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It's been awhile. I meant to write on here sooner but Spacehey was down constantly,
it seemed, any time I tried using it but apparently the website fixed
itself.
Anyway, while most people were getting ready for the second semester of the school year, I was busy sitting doing fuck all in a psych ward. Most pathetic hospital visit of my life. The only good thing to come from it was meeting this 25 year old I exchanged numbers with. Maybe someday I can invite him to join my suicide pact.
My suicide pact currently consists of just me and PB. I hope someday either she gets better or we finally do it because I know the hope for me is a snowball's chance in Hell, the rate I'm going.
I feel as though I have become disconnected entirely to my personhood, I am not my body, nor am I even my own conscience. I always differentiated myself as a physical entity and then my mental state being the other entity and they sort of acted like two sides of the same coin.
My physical entity is at odds with my mental entity, one wants to die and the other wants to simply exist without caring or considering the material aspects of living. Neither want to truly be alive, but for one to get what they desire, the other has to experience despair.
That despair is simply being alive. My brain has dysfunction to the point of only being able to feel despair. I have no room for love, or being happy, even being sad. There's nothing I feel grief for, not even anger. I just feel constant despair. This despair does not mix well with my anxiety and schizophrenia.
I have convinced myself I am in a simulation, nothing is real, I can't even confirm if Lain is real even though I've tried. I can only think she is real. I know the truth, or I'm at least close to it, that woman knew something I didn't know and it's been bugging me, because I can't tell if I've reached the conclusion of what I am supposed to know. If this is really all there is to life, if this life is even what people tell you life is. I am aware this truth exists, but I cannot confirm if I know it yet.
I can only go based on the idea that she might have reached the conclusion before I did. I can't differentiate what is real and what isn't anymore. I have completely succumbed. Sometimes I think it's everyone else who is "schizophrenic," and I am "normal."
There's no way to confront this despair, there isn't any meaningful capacity in which this despair will transform itself into something else entirely. It just stays. There's the occasional mania and need to isolate where I remove my presence everywhere physically and digitally, but I always come back when I return to the default state of being in despair until it all repeats again.
It's like I am programmed to always be this way, but I can't escape it unless I die but I'm convinced they're trying to make me die. It's all a joke, everything is against me.
My entire life is essentially some stupid fucking video game and I have desensitized myself until I am forced to experience mania and isolation. I am innately a bad person, I am constantly negative, and that is objective. I understand this and I accept it.
I use any escape I can from this reality, I use drugs, I use people, I use anything. I've tried medication, it didn't work. I don't think people deserve to suffer, but they are products of their environment, and if the environment is harsh then it calls for their suffering, yes?
The "product" in my environment is myself. From continuous cycles of delusions, self-sabotage, I have molded myself into an asshole. During the peak of my manic states, I talk to the person I formed a suicide pact with. Just to feel anything other than despair.
I constantly put myself in situations where I'm in danger, I leak information that is personal, I don't particularly try to stop stalkers, I accept abusive relationships, in fact, I seek them out I just need something to snap me out of thinking everything is predetermined and that my path is only to die.
That is all I know in my future is I will die. I don't care about anything because I know I will die soon. I just do not want to be alone for it.
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