cigarettes

i hate the smell of cigarettes. 

they remind me of my parents. i love my parents, except for when theyre grouchy the longer they go without their cigarettes. im reminded of how much damage cigarettes can cause to a human, and that my parents attempts to quit or even cut down have stopped (again). my mom lasted almost all of 2023 without cigarettes, but she relapsed in october and has been smoking again since. the most my dad has done is attempt to cut down after his hernia, but that was almost 3 years ago. i dont know if it even lasted a week or so before he stopped cutting down. 

addiction is dominating like that. cigarette breaks are the norm here. every time mom dons her "smoking cloak" as i call it, i know shell be gone in the garage smoking. the basement constantly smells like cigarettes from my dad smoking them every day in his chair. just today i took a minute to leave the basement and step outside for a minute because the air smelled so fresh, even though its 22•F right now. 

i love my parents, but i hate their addictions. ive memorized their favorite brands of cigarettes, and i hate that i recognize the smell so well. ive even considered joining them when i was younger because "surely if they just refuse to quit, its because it feels good right? surely if i start to smoke cigarettes ill be happy right?" obviously thats not true. 

i know addictions are extremely difficult to quit or even to adjust with, but it feels so hopeless when ive been trying to help for so many years only for it to amount to nothing. and i know that if i keep pushing for it, theyll get frustrated with me and get defensive. 

i fucking hate cigarettes.