titled january 15th 1/15/2024

okay. i think its my first time writing during the day or without feeling like the world was ending. ill start by listing off the current events. i prayed for the first time since 2017. doing it didnt feel particularly impactful but i suppose i have a feeling of accomplishment that belongs to me only. im learning how to play chess again and its fun and i hope its a fad that sticks around. c is surprisingly good at playing. i put too much focus on offense that i forgot how to do basic defense. i hope i improve. dylan came over two nights ago. i don't understand why he did really. i suppose the reason could be he was drunk or didnt want to be alone. but i feel like those circumstances have been true a couple time prior and hes never shown interest. i worry that a clear answer is here. he didnt show clear interest like how i wanted until i told him to come over flat out. he didnt touch me until i touched him. he wouldve just stayed on his side and made me laugh without anything happening. i wonder if i regret kissing him. i dont think i do though. i just regret how he may have felt about it. im glad im being honest with myself at least. with him, i like him. i dont want to do fwb or anything else like that. i want to be with him and i suppose thats okay for me to say. its not he has to want me for me to want him, i exist here too. i wonder what it means that he was so quick to hold me the second i kissed him or whatever i did. i typed out i hate but i had a smile when i said it fuck. i like that he knows me. and he remembers i guess. how to make me feel good. im confused on how to see this. let me list this out too. december he says he still wants to be together. two days later, i'm crying and i dont know why. i leave. i dont text him back. i remove his location, a gesture i did more for me than i did him. but i dont imagine anyone would see it like that. he comes over and i dont have anything to really say. i wonder why he told me to not close myself off, and that it wasnt my fault. i wonder how a normal person would take it. genuine regret and wanting you to be okay in the future? no that feels like wishful thinking in my head. how i took it was dont come back to me. but writing that out sounds too aggressive. i suppose him wishing me well with other people hurt because i dont understand why he was okay with seeing me with someone else. i wanted him to want to fight for me i suppose. not even fight, just try man.  idk. ill see what the future holds i guess.