~disappointment~

~I have a problem where I view most people as shining beacons of idealism that I want to emulate, and then I get to know them... Now I understand that nobody is perfect, but its terrifying to me to meet people who act like these majestic angels on first encounter, but I quickly learn to be dissapointed in them, if they presented themselves as human, then maybe I wouldnt have these issues with them. Instead they give me these big statements about how they respect others, esp women, queer folk, minorities, etc etc, and then turn around and shit on those values they claimed to uphold. I recently had to be dissapointed in a bunch of people I thought I knew. Where one talked on endlessly about consent and respect would be then discussing on how they violated others. How one talks about loyalty and shit talks behind everyones back. Talking about respecting women, and your friends and then allowing some of the most vile speech to be directed towards her friends?? Like you really are out here, hugging and kissing everyone, asking for total trust, friendship and respect. But then allow some pigs to refer your friends in such demeaning ways? talking about their bodies like they are some damaged physical product you buy at walmart, the way your friend is easily taken advantage of is a joke to you? when that friend clearly struggles with certain realities and has openly discussed how they are trying to get better? I feel colder and colder and now I feel anger return to me for the first time in years. An emotion that basically died in me is now back in full swing because of this type of shit. I am starting to hate and jsut dislike people, i always want to remain happy, hopeful and trusting but its getting harder and harder to. I cant begin to comprehend how someone liek that can like themselves, im upset from just holding it in. I no longer explode with rage at people, but i just shut off my love to them, I can see them being aware that something changed, but i then get irritated that they dont understand or care about what it is. I felt gross hugging those people today, the next time i see them, ill make sure they dont see me.~