14/1/2024 Very long recap of these days

As I mentioned before, these days have been slow n boring n pretty drama free so I'll just do a recap of what's been happening

My uncle that lives in another house has been hearing from my aunt ab how I'm doing bad n my mental health is down n shit + solidified by the fact that I didn't go to the family Christmas lunch n is wanting to come back at our home? Cus he thinks my bad mental state is connected to him which like 

If I was doing bad n didn't want to see you

How would you coming back home help in any way shape or form like,,,

The math ain't mathing

So my aunt is pressuring me into doing at least one session of therapy every month 

Which like, fuck that. Like it doesn't fucking work, I'm not wasting y'all's money n y'all still complaining

N my aunt just keeps fucking bugging me n repeating shit because that's how she fucking is until the other person start being aggressive because she pushes buttons and then she's all I don't wanna see you like this and that's the only moment when she decides to go away. 

Which always makes the other person look like a POS and her like a fucking angel and I hate it. So fucking talk for her the first time in months and scream what does she want me to say to uncle on the phone so he thinks everything's ok or some bs. And like always she's start to get out of the room n whine ab how she doesn't want to see me this way and how she tried to lie to him but it's impossible n yada yada

She didn't give me a time so I did not in fact call him yet.

Like I'm not asking for shit just to be left alone, I don't care if I'm not doing okay, I accepted it, I try to still do my school work and I hide my scars in class. I can't also have the fucking energy to deal with my aunt conversations because with or without me answering they still go the fucking same way so what's the point. 

I haven't shattered in thousand pieces yet. So why can't I be left alone.

I'm not asking for help, I'm not asking for anything, just for some peace

Also my aunt has been pressuring me cus my bday is this week. N she tried to force me to go out to a new hamburger place n she asked me what type of cake I want and.

I don't care. I don't give. A single fuck. One more year added to my worthless life, nothing fucking changes, there's nothing to celebrate, I just want to forget it exist. As childish as I am, my bday stopped being a special day years ago. 

School is. Going. I still just talk to the profs when asked questions, I still spend the time between classes at the sea, however strong the wind is, however cold i feel. I still light up a cig on school days. 

I try to sit down at home and do my assignments, however distracted I can be.

They gave us the theme for the yearly assignment. It's a shitty theme and I have to make 8 different uninspired drawings and I don't really care. This is the theme and this is what I came up with, if the profs are not satisfied idc. If you want inspired stuff find a fucking better theme than a statue of Apollo and Daphne, one of the most infuriating Greek myths you could read about.

I'm in 2nd year, I have a class for the whole year about making a work every month, one time my prof tell us the prompt, the other we decide what to draw, then back his input n so on. That means that I need to work weekly.

Plus all othe other classes that make me work weekly

The yearly project was introduced some time ago cus students were not working. But I am!! We have a schedule!! This yearly project is just another fucking weight!!! Stop!!! 

Also they keep on making a meeting to explain the theme. Which like. You already sent us an email. These meeting are just me having to wake up at 6 am to be there at 9 to hear for 1+ hour ooh remember to do y'all's assignments and don't skip class and yada yada 

I heard their fucking arguments so many times . I don't need this. And then I come back home with half the day wasted and fucking tired. Like how ab you let me stay home n do the works you're so worried I should be doing.

I wished I would have just asked to follow from zoom cus. It was so fucking cold waking up at that hour. When I took the train the sun wasn't even fucking up likeee that's evil. 

As I predicted. A waste of time. It said it started at 9:00 but since some were late they waited 15 mins to start talking.

As always they give the spiel I predicted ab doing homeworks n not skipping class n yada yada yada, and just around 9:30/9:40 they start talking ab the yearly project. They say what we alr knew and the whole thing finally ended at 10:29

That Meeting Could Have Been An Email

Also there was this girl from first year that was like oh I have only two days with classes a week, I have too much time on my hand 

Girl I wish 

Like I also have just two days of classes

And I'm STRUGGLING 

She gotta be making those assignments FAST 

Also idk. Binge watch a series? I didn't have the same amount of free time when I was in her year in the same time stamp. 

Also I get back home only at 1 pm so yes a whole morning was wasted. N then later I'm tired cus I woke up at an illegal hour soooo

Anyway, I start to rewatch the andor series, screenshotting lot of stuff for reference cus I gotta make a fanart of the main character 

At like 5 pm I rlly start sweating cus I ordered a new pair of headphones online and like. Where are they. 

But they do deliver em, n I go take them outside, down some stairs we have, I get the package n then in like oop- uh?

THERES LIKE. A RAT RIGHT IN FRONT IF THE STARS. SLIGHTLY MOVING BUT NOT RLLY. 

U may think oh who cares 

Except we have a gate that's like. Hard even for a rate to go through so where does this bitch comes from number one. N how can we make it leave. 

My aunt is like. She cannot handle certain animals n rats are one of those. She has this cleanliness complex so rats are just. Between fear n hate. It's like homophobia. My aunt doesn't like rats the same way bigots don't like gays, basically.

Maybe that wasn't a good comparison 

Anyway I take my package n come back n then im like. How do I tell her ab the rat.

So I send her a brief text before unboxing my new headphones n checking them on stuff 

She freaks out n everything, yada yada

Anyway I'll do a separate post on the headphones but they're nice, can't wait to try them for what I got em for, example: the Monday extreme n loud as fuck class chaos I mentioned multiple times cus it bothers me that much

Tehee now I can be like the TikTok girlies in the cityyyy

I took so many fucking screenshots to have references for the drawing it's actually unreal if I showed yall

Anyway birthday time, my aunt comes home she does a lil annoying happy bday small song n I think it's over. But no she comes in my rooms after lunch with a cake, I shook my head, I didn't ask for a cake, I wanted nothing, but she keep pressing, 

She put a candle on it n lights it up, brings it close to me, telling me stuff, that I gotta blow it, keep pressing, keep pressing.

I'm done with her bs. When she mentioned a cake I said no and yet she got it anyway. She doesn't care. 

She puts it back on the table, says stuff, I have my headphones on, I put music, I can't hear her, I don't wanna hear her. She cuts a slice but doesn't leave my room. She keeps staying there, on the doorframe, talking and talking and talking. 

I have my headphones on. I wait for her to go away. And even tho I basically can't makes out 99% of what she's saying, it still irritates me.

It still irritates me that's she's there talking and talking and keep fucking talking and why does she think is a normal way to entertain a conversation. Just an endless flow of words from on the two people involved. 

It takes a bunch of songs later for her to finally leave. 

And I'm tired. And angry. 

She leaves a slice.

I take a piece of paper, the closest pencil I have and write down. Cry but mostly write. Stuff that I already expressed here. I won't repeat.

I take the paper, and the slice of cake, and I bring it back to the kitchen.

When in a indefinite time later she comes in my room once again asking if she can answer the letter, I shake my head and put music on. Because she talked anyway. Because the no that felt useless like I wrote in that letter, are the same ones that are being ignored right now after reading it. 

I go back to my things. She doesn't enter my room again for the rest of the night. 

And I don't ca

re. And I never fucking wanted a cake. 

That's all. Ugh.