01.13.24

Found my skyrim shirt today, very cool. Also fully brushed my hair today, very annoying but worth the effort. It seems like i re-check my favorite fanfic for updates three times a day nowadays, even though i know its on a weekly schedule. The amount of times ive visited ao3 must be world record breaking. God knows the relationship ive built up with a fictional cranky 30 year old professor with a limp after reading and rereading countless hours of fanfiction on a nightly basis cannot be good for my health. Gives me unrealistic expectations about my real teachers. No, my assistant math teacher wouldn't speak to me outside of class or ask if im okay after breaking down in class-- they're underpaid southerners and as ready to go home as i am.

Watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail with my brother and father this evening, since my mom is out of town. Then i watched Hellboy 2004, which was pretty confusing, very cringey at times-- but overall i really liked it. Giant gruff man is emotionally constipated and sarcastic? right up my ally. I felt light headed this evening, and still am right now. My head doesn't feel heavy, but when i make a move, it feels like the momentum of my head is tripled, and I'm incapable of neutralizing it. Ive eaten, ive drank, and ive slept. So i dont really know whats causing it. 

When i woke up today, i noticed the bruise on the back of my hand has gotten worse. I put foundation on it so my father wouldn't notice-- ive had hints of jaundice before, so hed probably assume the vitamins im taking arnt enough or something along those lines. Talked with a few people about nontheistic satanism today, ive looked into it before in the past, and i seem to really connect with it. Id like to learn more about it before i self identify or anything of the sort-- not that id ever be open about it. 

Last night was real rough. Ive been keeping track of how many times ive cried this year so far, and ive got to have cried at least three separate times last night. Very bad night. I call my sheet that i keep track with, my "Crying Chronicals". i just really love the word 'chronicals'. 

Anyways, in the past 12 days ive cried 10 times! Very cool. For the most part, the vast majority of them are described as 'small' or 'casual'. I keep track of them by writing down the "Date, Size, Reason, Emotion." 

I rank the sizes from 'small, casual, med, big, and attack'. Small would be a couple tears. Casual would be a pretty quick cry, but definingly makeup ruining. Medium would be an actual good cry. Big would be a breakdown, and Attack would be an anxiety attack. 

4 times have been small, 3 casual, 2 big, and 1 medium. The emotions range over sad, frustrated and doomed. Almost all being sad. The reasons have vasted over anxeity, school, my future, my meds, feeling emotional in general, and crying after reading something. Like poetry! damn you tiktok poetry.

I think im feeling less dizzy now. Logging off.