EEEE new school year

this is a long one. pretty personal too, but don't feel bad for reading. i posted it, right?

hiii i know i'm a semester late but i applied to this foundations program at a college. i'm literally the youngest age group they'd allow in (16) and i am SHITTING MYSELF. it's an art school and i've heard many stressful things about art schools so it's not hard to psych myself out.

either way, it's a nice way to get myself to go out more, spend time in a new environment and make more friends. all of my close friends are moving abroad (one's in toronto, one's in stockholm, one's gonna go back to texas soon). it's so sad cuz i'm the only one left! and also cuz the remainder of my old school friends have turned against me...

yk, i act all high and mighty but i'm intimidated by the smallest things (autism bullying moment). most of the ppl there will be over 17 except my small foundations class, so i'm actually peeing myself. also it's a liberal arts/tech school so there's no uniform and everyone's so fashionable all the time. i feel all out of my depth! god. i hope i find some emos. i hope they're not better dressed than me, but what's the actual worst that can happen tho? like, i make some new friends???? oh wow, what a nightmare!

i do believe acting like you're still in high school is the corniest thing you can do in uni, so i'm gonna leave that mindset behind. also, i resented teachers for so long bc i was raised to think of them as fascist overlords (asian moment). but since this is an intl. school that my mom paid a whole lot of money for me to attend with no expectations or end product in mind at all besides my mental health getting better -- i'll have to remind myself that i'm doing this for me, not them, and stop holding myself back, no matter how scary it gets.

also, i'm medicated now!!!! i got a scrip for concerta a few weeks ago, which is like ritalin but slower-acting. i've always struggled with schoolwork cuz of adhd. and even tho uni workloads are much more intimidating, i hope i don't fuck up as severely as last year (which should, fingerscrossed knockonwood, be pretty easy).

i feel so much more present now that i'm on meds, it's actually crazy to think how sick i'd gotten twd the end of 10th grade. after graduating (igcse program, you graduate at 16), i took an 8-month-long break (bc it was too late to sign up for the august semester, but mostly bc i needed a lot of space) in which i went out, partied a whole lot, saw fall out boy twice (held pw's hand at bkk, never forget, the most magical and literally breathtaking moment of my life), and traveled on my own(ish) for the first time. i know i'm incredibly lucky to be able to recover the way i did. that's all thanks to my mom, who would literally cover for me if i murdered someone.

i know i was extremely spoiled to act out like that (check old blogposts for more info). but...  what really happened was: i'd grown resentful of a school i once loved, i babied all of my friends and bottled up my own hurt feelings, then i lashed out at everyone around me and got the punishment i deserved. i was lucky they still let me graduate.

i gave myself an 8-month timeout where i deeply reflected on everything that happened in the past 2 years. i realized i wasn't looking out for myself. i refused to make better friends, to tell people what was wrong. i thought i deserved to suffer bc i was so difficult. my mental health was so low after graduation. i felt like a failure. 16 without a purpose or direction.

sometimes i act catty, selfish, ungrateful, and whiny when i have all these wonderful opportunities ahead of me. that's bc i'm too hard on myself (imposter syndrome moment). i'm really trying to work on it.

so anyway, in december i had some nasty dreams that told me: hey, you need to get on meds. so i did. and it literally no joke changed my life. i'm planning to go to the LIBRARY, at 9AM, after i finish this post. that's UNHEARD OF for 2023 me.

do i regret not being on meds earlier? no, i think leaving my old school first was the right thing to do. i got a tarot reading and got two of wands for new school, and ten of wands for old school, which meant my burdens would be five times as unbearable if i chose to stay. not saying a tarot session decided my future, but it kinda did.

so, to end this on an okay note, i was far from perfect, or even good, but being uniquely terrible as a teenager is nothing new. i regret the past 2 years and i'm trying to better myself every day. i'm surrounding myself with people i like, got on meds, and no longer want to die. i'm starting a new chapter. new school, new year, it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, baby. let's go!