thinking about relationships

so for claritys sake: last year i ended my relationship of 5 years because of getting cheated on twice (in the same year with the same person, a mutual friend who was living in my house at the time) and overall falling out of love hard 

ever since then, the idea of being in a relationship feels....complicated. let me elaborate. 

ive always been a people pleaser. for as long as i can remember. maybe thats part of some trauma or how i grew up and learned to act. idk honestly, but ive had multiple friendships fall out because of my recent development these past couple of years: boundaries and a spine. my ex gf was my most recent falling out over this backbone as well as other things. i didnt agree to stay in the relationship because i wasnt happy, and i was lashed out at. i was told that i betrayed her for not sticking to what i said while she was breaking down and i was emotionally numb, and even tho weve talked about it now im still understandably hurt. 

so hear me out. the idea of being in a relationship feels complicated and intimidating because how much of myself do i have to give up in order to be loved? do i have to backtrack on any recent emotional and mental growth and become an unpaid therapist again? do i have to give my body? do i have worth as a person? am i allowed to have that? whats the line between self care and selfishness? 

i could very easily be misconstruing it but honestly how else am i supposed to react tbh? i was cheated on twice for being busy with irl stuff like a draining cashier job at a grocery store, and going to college. i was also less intimate because there was a history of me being left unsatisfied, like i would send pics of my body and they would nut and go to bed and i would deal with it by myself. was this constantly the case? no but it eventually became the norm so i gave up on it. 

sorry if thats tmi, you chose to read this far, and im kinda treating this blog like adjacent to a diary. just throwing my thoughts out into the void without expecting anyone to read it yknow? 

overall the idea of being in a relationship intimidates me because im not ready to give up my entire being for someone else who could decide im just. not enough or something. i dont wanna be betrayed again, not by anyone, so im nervous to get too close to anyone like that. 

if any discussion comes from this that would be cool but i dont expect it, so if you dont wanna comment or anything and just wanna leave i dont blame you lol. 

either way i am married to arataki itto from genshin impact (let me be delusional) and i happily daydream about myself having a harem of all of the attractive characters i want so i win in life