updates, being anonymous, and more

for the past week i have been posting a blog each day. they're usually trackings and loggings of my thoughts or progress since the beginning of the year. today's the last day. my weekend ends when i wake up tomorrow. i want to continue to post a blog each day, for one week, for each month. i wanna dissect my feelings, thoughts, and relationships as the year goes on. i wanna share my ambitions and just everything. i get to be no one but in the best way possible here. i hope this weeks documentation has been something enjoyable for anyone other than my friends who read this lol. 

now, on to the topic of today. today was dia de los reyes magos. or three kings day. we cut the rosca and ate champurrado (i hope i spelled it right sorry). it was decent fun but it really made me think about how i feel knowing i'm different. when i hang out with my cousin, i feel like i'm not really there. i feel like all my actions and whatnot are from someone or somewhere else. it's like i'm watching through fogged glass or one of those police station mirrors. then, when we had to leave the solitude of my room, i felt it even more. i wasn't in the mood for the joyfulness or socialness that game with our little family get together. i wasn't in the mood to see baby jesus after another baby jesus, to see who would cook for next time, or to hear their laughs and teases. i feel and felt guilty for feeling. i wasn't enjoying to the extent that i should've and that made me feel guilty. i'm trying to stay positive with the whole thing of being afraid of religion and my parents but it gets hard sometimes. i'll try to comfort myself by saying, 'it's only three more year!' but that doesn't really help. it just makes me focus that one day i won't be able to be behind this veil of someone i'm not. that one day, i could have freedom. freedom that scares me. half to death, even. i'm afraid to leave my family and be honest. i'm not like my friends where i can hide my sexuality because it's just one thing and my family isn't lenient like theirs. id have to face the truth and reveal to my parents that i'm not the little baby girl they thought they brought into this world and raised, not the little girl they love so much. the little girl who, when they envisioned their life with me, would always be their little girl. i've never been one to have so much dysphoria and religious guilt but this part year changed that. i am riddled with guilt and with the feeling that my body and appearance dont show me for me. sorry for this ramble. see you all next month?

:)