16 | cope

today i told my older sister about my healthy coping mechanisms. it was really freeing. I hope I learn to open up more. She makes it really easy because she's the only one in my family who is okay with me taking meds. Also, she understands where many of my issues come from because we grew up in the same house. It's interesting to see how we cope with the same issues differently. She's 25 so she's a bit more mature and mentally healed and she told me that I'm avoidant, which i thought too. 

I don't think this is a diagnosis, nor do i think it's always a bad thing. people just have different attachment styles. I have a harder time with other avoidants because they tend to ignore what i say or just stay stubborn, like me. Since taking lexapro, I've been trying to talk things out more but thats hard with avoidant people.  Its interesting yet really hard to deal with. I have to heal around people who dont want to. makes me want to stop the meds cold turkey. 

this willl sound really pathetic but sometimes when im feeling okay and someone else isnt, i have the urge to stop my medication. It's hard to stand on the same level on understanding when im high on an SSRI. when i stop cold turkey (ive done it twice) i start to feel a huge wave of all the bad thoughts and emotions at the same time. 

My sister told me that I dont need friends and that it's okay to cut people off if they dont make you feel good. that's weird coming from her since she is quiet the INTP (very empathetic and worried about people). 

I have a complicated relationship with friends. I used to only talk to old men (preds) because they gave me attention. that was how I coped. I remember spending my 18th birthday on reddit asking someone to wish me happy birthday. I just wanted to be cared for by someone. not sure why my first instinct was to look on reddit...