titled thoughts 1/5/2024

location: conch at alexan

emotions are being felt with no direction or place to end so i shall write. i don't know why i think of my father so much lately. i never thought about the implications of that august day being the best day of his life. i wonder if i felt more during that day than i do now. it may as well been a regular day, all with the emotions bursting from my seams but not quite there yet and a distrust that has settled so far into my bones i don't percieve it anymore. none of what i did was new, i suppose. the only difference was i was recording and therefore more mindful of what i was saying and where i was leading the conversation. that seemed to come naturally to me though. i did feel as though i failed in getting as much as i wanted but i felt no remorse for my father. no connection to be severed anymore, just indifference. i wonder if d feels that way towards me. i wonder if i really care. i feel as though i do but i wonder if i know how to. i fear i put so much of my love into him, i turned him into a living embodiment of my ability to. if we fail, there is no next. i will forever have to chase him for my love back. i don't want that. i don't think i can get it back. i think peace comes from the acceptance that what i gave him will never be returned to me but more love will come. energy cannot be created or destroyed. it merely changes form. what is the difference between energy and love? i suppose learning the answer to that will teach me whether or not my ability to love is true. i get scared when i think about how my thinking is tainted. what do i have that is true? i suppose the best course of action here is to simply move on. but with issues like this, won't they return again and again? different faces, same feelings. the people can change all they want, the endings will never changes if i don't. i'll figure it out. most of the time i do. good luck.