Dry Jan day 4

Heyyyyy spacehey. It’s been a minute 

Sorry I stopped my writevember 3 days short. That was dumb but it’s okay. Im coming on here to write about something that I feel I should keep a journal for but I don’t have one.

Im not drinking for the month of January. I made this decision about halfway through December. It’s not a big deal it’s literally just not consuming any alcohol for 31 days straight. It seems like no big deal and conceptually it’s actually really easy. For myself, it’s been a confrontation of my alcoholism. I’ve been pretty open about admitting to have a drinking problem, since some say that is the first step to recovery. However, it feels much better to admit to it and carry on acting as if it’s not a problem I need to face. Drinking pretty much everyday for the entirety of 2023, as well as probably half of 2022 is not something I feel proud of. It wasn’t EVERY day but it slowly went from 3-4 times a week, to 4-5 times a week, and by the time I was into 2023 and it was 1 day off a week, if that. Doing dry January is me trying to prove something to myself; that I don’t NEED to drink. I think I wanted to write today because it’s the first time I’ve actually had the urge to make myself a drink. I’ve wanted one already but today I actually had to resist the temptation of pouring one for myself. I shouldn’t have a bottle in my possession but I took it being there as an ultimate test to this commitment and to saying no. I find myself feeling irritable and emotional about things that I normally wouldn’t bat an eye at. I find myself wanting to reply to something with snark or with displeasure whereas usually I just shrug my shoulders and carry on. Of course, these are symptoms of withdrawal. Im having major food aversion. Also a symptom of withdrawal. I feel depressed as a motherfucker. And anxious. Both also symptoms of withdrawal. It’s okay that I feel this way but it makes it a lot harder to not give up and it also ensures the fact that I am an alcoholic. Which is such a terrible word to feel is an adjective used to describe yourself. (If my friends are reading this, I do know what adjectives are. Unless I used that wrong then carry on <3). 

I hope when this month ends, if I make it through, I can have a healthier relationship towards alcohol. I don’t want to stop drinking forever. But if I drink again and it becomes as slippery as the slope I already fell down, I’ll have to stop for good. Im hoping I am stronger than that but alcoholism runs in the family so I am refusing to take it off the table. Anyways, I think that’s all I wanted to say for now. I hope the people around me can recognize that what I am trying to accomplish is hard for me and show me patience and graciousness. And maybe speak to me a little nicer than usual. That’s all. Love you space hey, it’s good to be back.

Mai mai out