happy new year

it's  2024, and i have few prospects that i'm actually excited for. i turn 21 this year, winter quarter is starting and my medication is finally balancing out. these are all good things, so why do i feel so fucking annoyed and frustrated about how my life is panning. 

when it comes to the future, i have no idea what i actually want to do with my life. everyone is expecting me to have some kind of answer, when in reality i have none. i don't think they realize why i have no idea, and if they did it probably wouldn't change anything.

getting to age 20 was a feat all on its own. a feat i was not prepared for. i was more prepared to die at the age of 16 than i ever was to be 20. i mean hell, my will and obituary are already written. my belongings allocated and carefully directed instructions on the disposal of my body.

my parents don't know that half of it when it comes to my life and i don't think i'll ever tell them. one day i think i may just disappear and live life without ever looking back. a drastic choice, yes, but one that i feel may be necessary to force my family to fix their shit. being manipulated sucks, but manipulation works.