Being

(quick note: i might not continue every train of thought that i start. sorry. i kind of made this with the intention to just get my thoughts out tonight. i might revisit this topic again, but have this at what it is. i hope you enjoy.)

today i'll be talking about Being. Being and identity. specifically, i'll be talking about my being and identity. i wanna share who i am because maybe it'll help me and someone who needs or just wants to talk about themselves, explore who they are. i wanna touch on gender identity mainly. i'm trans. maybe it doesn't always seem like it, but i am. or maybe i sound too up-lifting lol. nonetheless, i am. i don't have an exact label on what i'd call my identity. maybe transman or transmasc, but i have these moments where i don't feel like it. there's moments i don't care about any of that and i just feel 'me'. i don't feel gender in those moments. there's also moments where i feel more comfortable with femininity but not the label 'girl' or 'woman' or whatever. 

that's not me. well, sometimes i feel 'girl'. but that's the thing. it's only sometimes and it's always very fleeting. i think using pronouns is a good way to feel comfortable without having to face my gender though. even if i overthink that too. femininity is odd for me. i was girly as a child. i occasionally still i am, i guess. i'm not very "macho man" or whatever. sometimes i think, maybe i'm just non-binary. but i don't think i am. it's all thinking and its too much of it. i like keeping it simple. just me. not what the people think or perceive, even if i can't control that. im happy being me. i don't really have a name for me, though. i have preferred name(s?), sure. however, if i am in a situation where i talk to myself, i've never called myself a name. you know how cartoons have moments where they say something like, "dang it, i can't believe i did that! should've known better, chris.." i can't do that. i don't think of myself as a person sometimes, ill admit. i feel more like an entity, idea, or just a voice. i don't know why. id like to fix that though. i want to be a person amongst the people. i wanna be confident in who i am and have a stable idea of identity and being.

i'll grow in to that though. :)