3 Jan 2024 Entry

I ended up scrubbing, to the best of my ability, all traces of my digital footprint -- which doesn't really matter as I don't think many people will remember or notice anyway. I was asked what I am running away from by doing this and I think I have concluded that the answer is myself. I hate the image I have presented, I hate how I spiraled and made it public. I didn't ask for it to be a spectacle but I have no one else and had no where else to go. Am I meant to publicly make people uncomfortable or continuously bother the people I love with my problems? Especially when these problems are things I keep bringing upon myself and are caused by my own actions. None of this is out of my hands.

I plan on taking a break until I get on the right medication, start seeing a new therapist, and just to breathe for a few months. I still don't want to be completely sober but I can't balance things right now. I love falling into my cyclical suicidal thoughts and fantasies, I don't think I would actually commit, but thinking about it is something else entirely -- something within my scope and that I can do. I can't help being obsessed with my own death. I fear it for everyone else, but it seems to be the only natural solution and end for me, to die early with having done nothing with my life.

It's all mopey bullshit, anyways. Logically, there is no such thing as a "wasteful life," as if life were truly wasteful, it would not exist to begin with, but even with this conviction, I can still call my life a waste. Or at the very least, I have been wasting it away.

2023 was the worst year disguised as something good or neutral. I did nothing to better myself and any means of improvement was immediately crushed as the addiction began to sink in. My suicidality still debates with me on if I want to get better. Knowing myself and how stubborn I am, I won't give up until I truly know it's time to let go. Though, I still feel nothing like motivation or encouragement or hope.

Either way, because I have emotions like that, I should not bother anyone else or make them worry. It's toxic. To keep doing this and perpetuating this cycle. No one should think they cannot help me because I can barely help myself; which leads to the constant cycle of hurting everyone over and over again. I have burned most of my support system. I have betrayed them accidentally and intentionally because I thought cutting them off would protect them from me, but they want to be my friend. I don't see why they would. I truly have nothing to offer in a friendship but textbook answers and rambling.

It's so difficult for other people to see me as a bad person, but I know fundamentally, I am. I am a bad person and it becomes obvious when I descent into actions like these. Disappearing without a word, trying to make things better, and then leaving again when I feel like I just can't put them through this. It's a constant struggle of wanting what's best for them and knowing that being away from me is what is best, but then still wanting to talk to them.

I don't know. My next few days are going to be boring: go to bed at 4AM, wake up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, listen to music, and sleep. That has been my schedule the past month. I don't mind it, but it is lonely, but I probably deserve it.

I don't have anything else to add for now.

Vex.