Consistency

i think im confident when i say i want to continue and do this. i want to map out and voice my thoughts for myself and anyone else willing to read them. maybe im entertainment, maybe i'm thought provoking, or maybe i'm just like any other stupid teenager and you ignore this. i don't really care. i think that has beauty to it, truly. after recent events, i'm currently in a "good" or an "okay" state. but to be honest, it doesn't feel like it when i pry or when i stop to really think in those moments where i have nothing to distract myself from my thoughts. i feel like my mind in some sort of blanketed state of mind. i've had little to no contact with the internet, or outside world really, for some time. on december 25th, i got in some trouble, trouble that concerned and angered and saddened my parents a lot. 

this trouble wasn't like getting caught talking to strangers or online friends and getting a talk or getting my phone taken away like before. this wasn't getting caught staying or anything. i got in some embarrassing, to say the least, trouble at first. it was something dumb and funny on my part but it was also my second offense. the first was pretty fun but also a concern for my parent, so they let me off the hook with a stern warning and talking to. this second offense, however, was worse and got me in trouble the two days before my birthday. i was given my phone back on my birthday though. everything was fine. (also at this midpoint id like to apologize for this stupid little recap of my dumb little events in life) then on on the 25th, i got in deeper shit. i got my phone, my tv remote, and my walkman all token away. and maybe it sounds bratty or whiny because, yeah, i can survive without those things. but i'm reliant on them, i admit. without those things to distract me and give me that immediate satisfaction with fast dopamine, im left alone with my thoughts.

recently, i've been alone with my thoughts a lot. i've had to try and run from my thoughts and feelings. that feeling of being afraid of god. its gotten stronger and only added to my self-hatred. but since that day, i've been in this blanket state where i drive away my thoughts. i know they're there. i ignore them. i try to stay in this sort of blank and numb space. because recently its hit me, i am alone. i'm not necessarily sad about it right now. i haven't been sad about it for some time, i guess. i'm trying to either ignore it or come to terms with it. that i can't be worrying about this, being alone and dying alone. im 15. i shouldn't be so scared right now. especially since nothing significantly bad has ever happened to me. no ones hurt me. i dont need someone to comfort me and allow me to be attached and want to have them be the same with me. im okay. im gonna be okay. and so will you. id like to think someones reading/read this. i want you to be okay too. 

:)