i cried tears you'll never see....

i kinda want to kill myself again. whatever. this is (one of) the cyclic nature(s) of things.

i keep trying to convince myself that the sex will be worth it. lame as hell of me, but i have to hold onto hope. i bet it'll be alright, but i'll cry anyway because that's just the kind of man i am.

maybe i cry a normal amount and you don't cry enough. 'so fuck you, you can go cry me an ocean! / and leave me be...' i feel like i don't cry enough. going months without crying cannot be normal. but i'll cram all my crying into a day or two so it just seems like a lot, relatively. incredibly me of me to have crying episodes.

i need to really pick up the slack if i want to really get that spine-throbbing, back-aching, middle of the road sex. one of these days, i am going to get that damn football. one day i will wake up in your arms and it will all have been worth it.

i feel decidedly un-noble when i think about the things i do for sex. i need to get an std panel. i need to go to the ob/gyn. i need diagnoses, for the love of g-d. i need to be put on medication. i need to be fucked.