i am a bad, bad person !!!

hai friends :3

so i have been trying to journal to get my rage and anger out, and it always ends up looking like something straight out of yandere simulator. i would upload something on reddit, but im pretty sure i might get worse responses, not that im expecting many responses on here anyways.

i had a best friend back at my old town, and he was very sweet. he had feelings for me and when i got a boyfriend, he said he didnt feel anything for me anymore. a few days ago i received a package full of gifts, and a load of letters telling me how he doesnt forgive me even if he wants to, and he still loves me, and how it's a good thing i stopped talking to him. he also said he doesnt want me to contact him. i just wanted to say thank you for the gifts. i know i am a bad person for the pain i have caused, but i do not want to sit here and act like im not in a happy and sweet relationship. i just wanted to get this off my chest. i know i am bad. i need to be better. i tell myself this constantly. i will be better for the people that are in my life. i will shorten the amount of people i get involved with, and i wont let anyone feel the pain i do. at least not pain caused by me. i hate myself and wish i could be so much better. not in a "i wish i was better than everyone way", more in a "i wish i didnt want to constantly km$ way. i will continue to put up my ":3" and "happi!!" front. but in reality, all i do is rot, make crafts for my boyfriend because i miss him so much and he's doing other things, or lay lifelessly and emotionlessly while trying to keep up and do other things. i dont even know if the shit i just typed makes sense. my bf told me to find a hobby because i dont like going home. 

that's another thing. i dont like coming home for long periods of time. nothing i do is ever good enough for my mom. i got yelled at for doing too many extracurricular things. what???? why the fuck am i getting yelled at ???? i got an officer position at my college club during my first semester of my first year.. i have a work study and balance my schoolwork while remember to eat and stop my binging or starving fits. what else am i supposed to do? the one thing i wanted to do was go see Laufey, (whom the best friend in the beginning of the blog got me tickets for). i was supposed to see her for both of us. i almost relapsed dude that shit was so rough my goodness. anyways, i was promised id get to see laufey on her next tour, (which is fucking happening in like a few months...) and guess what !!!!! i am not going!!! my mom likes to take away my happy things. i have father and mother issues. my life is cracked, everything is scuffed, and i cant be happy. i want to curl into a ball and rot. but guess what!! i cant!!!! i have to be silly and happy because that's the image i have set for myself! cant wait to do this again next year! i love you 2023! i will love you even more 2024! hopefully i will survive! #hopeful #idgaf #rotting