do i have no choice but to like myself?

I met up with my two friends from high school today.  originally i said to my bf if he and his sister wanted to play video games at their moms house because i thought my friend S was going to head out at 4:00 pm. but otherwise S and H and i we played a board game for 4 hours. i had trouble getting into it, but near the end i started to like it. but then eventually S plans got canceled. i didnt like the board game a lot, i found the rules kind of confusing, but now that it was wrapped up, i feel like i would enjoy it more the second time. i like H, shes very sweet. i think our personalities are very interesting, i think we balance each other out well. i felt weird in the board game place, it had a weird smell and my hands were dirty and my back started to hurt and i felt a little uncomfortable from my clothes, and then i felt conflicted because i wanted to hang out more with S and H, but I didnt want to go back on my word to my bf and his sister. oh well. so eventually we wrapped up the board game, and interestingly it was around the time that G and N were going to pick me up at. so then we browed around daiso. and it was neat. i like the cute things, maybe i thought about getting some page markers. usually i feel bad about using my nice things, because then what if i dont have any more nice things once they run out. but now i know that daiso has a lot of cute page markers, so i dont need to feel too bad about using what i have. they were given to me to enjoy. so i will use them and they will help bring joy to my life. 

the best way to make it through 

with hearts and wrists in tact

is to realize two out of three aint bad

an aside, now im in my feels bc i watched a pete interview about him and his experiences with being anxious or depressed. why do i care for them. did i even know what depression was when i was so young. i just remember being sad a lot as a kid. i dont know why i was sad. i would watch videos of these sad stories and i would cry to them. they were so strong. i felt so sad for them, seeing these sad things. sometimes i would look at my own life and feel sad. i wish someone would feel sad like that for me. it would make it feel more real. well anyway, im glad pete was able to find something to help him through his struggles. overcoming them doesnt feel right. im not overcoming anything. im just trying to pull through to the next day, or the next moment when i can forget about it all. overcoming makes it sound like its done done. never is it done done for me. watching his interviews makes me feel so at peace. i feel his lyrics so strongly. i dont know why. maybe hes just a good writer. but not everyone likes the lyrics. but i like them, so so much. i feel similar things. it feels nice to have someone who feels the same things. i like that someone feels the same things as me. it feels like were connected in a way. we both liked this thing, maybe there is something similar about us. i like this other person, if i like them, and they like a similar thing i like, maybe i can be likable too.

but anyway, i thought that maybe N would want to see S. blegh why am i jealous? S has such a strong personality.  

maybe i have to like myself. i like myself. i dont need anybody. i dont have to be loud about it thought. am i the honest type? maybe i can be honest in my own way?