nov n dec update 22/12/2023

Well, thought I'd write here again, since I kinda miss writing out how my and Dan's thing is going.

These two months were,,, weird. I dont know I honestly find it hard to remember because the last two weeks were really really really bad (for me personally, school and all that stress) and my brain kind of pushed it out. Well me and Dan started smoking weed once in a while. I'm personally still experimenting and trying to see how it affects me. It works great for Dan tho. Yknow how I used to constantly doubt what we had?? And thinking about how he probably doesn't even think about me or anything? He gave me a letter and a couple poems for my birthday where he talked a bit about his feelings. I cried so fucking hard when reading it all. Up until then, I felt like i was stuck in a dense cement block, unable to breathe deep enough. But it all crumbled away. My lungs felt bottomless and everything just kept pouring out. Like when someone cracks your back and your body lets out all that stored up trauma with an emotional reaction. I even wrote about it, hold on...

and I cried¨

loud like a child

and like I haven't in years

my chest hurt

as the cement crumbled

and started falling off my skin

I couldn't stop.

the months

spent in silence

kept pouring out of my lungs

and the heaviness

lifted itself off my insides

untangled itself from my guts

and I tried to stop

but my lungs felt endless

like they did then I got high

but it couldn't compare

to having my soul wrapped

by a piece of paper

that wasn't a bible page

waiting to be burned

And I don't know,, ever since then I just started feeling better about it all. Yet I still had my moments when I felt upset about stuff. Sometimes I'd feel like I had to supress my very being, cram the fire in a small jar and close it, suffocating it. I'd feel extremely embarrassed by my own feelings and being so expressive and by my interests n such. And I think that feeling is going to come back, resurface, since I didn't quite address it.

Now to the worst part, the last two-ish weeks. Too many things happening. High school portfolio deadline, other school projects, uni applications (a hellscape), pms and I also got sick. The stress got so bad I thought I'd either drop dead or I'm going to kill myself. I was so mentally back in grammar school, it was honestly even worse than that. There was a moment, after we finished watching a movie during one of the classes. I got up and I was so in my head that everything around me was blurry and the sounds muffled. Like straight out of a movie. Even with my closest friends, even with my boyfriend right next to me, I was so set on killing myself. For the first time in my life, I was genuinely so ready for it, thinking about the act itself. It creeped me the fuck out. I think Dan picked up on somethin and spent some time with me before I had to go catch my bus. We checked out the wimpy Christmas market close to our school, went into a couple stores and joked around a bit, that helped a lot. I didn't end up applying to college this year.

The last couple days were nice tho:]!! Especially yesterday. I really love these guys, genuinely. They're my family I'd say, closer to me than my mother or brothers. These two people,,, I want to live with them. I want to move to a different city for our studies and I want to move in together. Dan gave me a collection of Poems for Love and a tlou II poster!!!! oh my god!! And my other friend gave me a cup I was actually considering on getting myself last week and a Kafka tote bag. Listen, I could do Christmas without buying gifts, I'd actually prefer that, but this just showed how they actually know me and care about me, how they know and remember who I am and what I like...

Dan gave me another letter, in it, he wrote about how he enjoys my company and wants to spend time together for as long as possible, like planing on growing old and still hanging out. Which is something he doesn't do, he doesn't plan ahead with people who arent our other friend, yet I made him feel like noone before me has. It's strange, this time I'm a quieter lover, but for the first time since we got together, I don't mind it. I appreciate all we do much more. And yesterday, even if we didn't say anything relationship-like, I felt so close to him. Even without holding hands, it was all warm and comforting. And now I am longing, I miss him, I'm not gonna see him for over a week. I long for our embrace. Or even just,, his company. I wish he was here.