titled d 12/20/2023

here we are again. listening to me and my husband rn. currently focusing on things that maybe shouldnt matter as much as they should. focusing on things that will eventually wont matter as much as they do now. i wanna talk to him so i talk to you. the idea that we havent talked in how many days is still weird but i understand being like this than anything. i wonder why i was about to cry that night. i knew i shouldnt have listened to this song but it was the first time feeling sadness and not feel like it was eternal. i dont know what i wouldve done if i felt like you didnt want to see me that night. you looked at me in a way where i knew. and you held me and you seemed worried but you still smiled. in a way that made me feel okay. i wanna think about what couldve gone wrong but when i think about that night, i cant help but feel like nothing could possibly be wrong. the idea that people can hurt the ones they care about in so many different ways and still care is a hard one for me to grasp. i wonder if thats the lesson im supposed to be learning here. none of this dating in 2023 is confusing shit. a real lesson, you know? something that can be applied to so many different facets of my life, something that will stay with me, not something for me to apply to the next mistake. i wonder what the right decision is here. i know that the more human thing is to realize that there's no right decision when it comes to emotion. its just reactions. you cant reasonably react to your own assumptions. thats just fighting a war with yourself. but i want to see theres something here i could do that'll at least gain me the reaction from him that i want. thats honesty i suppose. i cant imagine that many cons to waiting as i can see to texting him right now, demanding his attention. i might live in a world where he might just be happier without me. but this can be the first time where i can let the world run its course. i dont need to hold onto something tangible to survive. the world will always be abstract around me, the only certainty being what i do. i suppose the hard part here is being able to remove myself from the situation. let me define the situation and see if that clears up my emotions to it. i want him to live his life without my prescense and miss the noise of where i used to be. i've never had that before. i don't see time apart as anything but learning to fill that space. something eventually fills it but maybe thats my perception of the world around me. someone or something eventually is loud enough to cover the echo. and you start to forget what it felt like to have any sort of space filled by that person. thoughts don't default to them, sights don't default to them. sooner or later, they all default to somewhere else. what i hate about this is i feel like for the first time, im not miserable at the sadness of having that wound ripped open again with no salve or bandage to heal it, im misearble at the idea that he was healing. i didnt hear echoes of anyone else when he was there. he was there and he was the only one i wouldve chose in a million different noises. and maybe this is a new form of medicinal help. or maybe he was simply no different than the rest of the cures, he just came with local anesthesia as well. cant even notice your past if someone covered your ears and your eyes as well. the past was no longer the skeletons in my closet, i managed to push it so far it did nothing but poison my thoughts. maybe i didnt perceive it but it learned its way to make itself invisible. how do you perceive an enemy intruder if they look just like you. for the first time in my life, trusting myself had been the wrong move. and still i dont see where i managed to go so wrong.