02 - invisible

dissociation is a terrible thing to go through, and when it's a daily occurrence, it feels like your life no longer belongs to you. 

every day i experience this, i feel like a ghost wandering around, i feel disconnected from this world and disconnected from my own body. everything feels unreal, everywhere i go, it feels like a simulation, every person i interact with, it feels like they don't actually exist.

it's literally as if i'm spectating my own life happening. i feel that i have no conscious control of my body and that my body is programmed like a robot, tasked to do the same goddamn thing every. single. day.

i guess in some ways it's helpful to me, like the numbness... when my partner broke up with me earlier this year i didn't really care at all. we were together for years so i should've been sad but to me, it wasn't a big deal. they weren't great though, so maybe that's part of it.

but now the issue is that i have even more trouble trying to empathize with others, i used to be able to understand everyone's feelings, but now i can't. it really sucks.