01 - drifting ( tw suicide )

over a year ago, i almost killed myself. i was going through something really tough in my life (will not go into detail about it) and i ended up in a hotel on the highest floor. at some point everything sunk in for me and i sat on the edge of the window, i had so many methods to end it then and there, but i never went through with it, i don't remember why. i guess i got distracted by my friend's texts at the time.

looking back, i don't know if i regret that i didn't do it or grateful that i didn't. yeah, there was definitely stuff this year that i would've missed out on completely, but there's always that lingering feeling that maybe life will be better on the other side.

and maybe i don't truly want to die, but rather i just want an escape from it all. i wish i could fall into a river and drift away on the water and see where it takes me. or i wish i could grow a pair of wings and fly far away and leave everything behind.

i always thought that after death i would reincarnate into some otherwordly being and i would finally be in control of things and i could do whatever i wanted and go wherever i wanted.
but i'm a daydreamer, these things will never happen. 
i can only dream.