3rd year

Laugh out loud 

I have no idea how to start this without it being so blunt. I just finished reading some of my last entries up until "2nd year". Anything past that would probably make me vomit. 

I have no idea what kind of void has sucked the life out of me and where it went but things are definitely a lot different than they were a year ago. 

The beginning of second year was fine until shit started happening in Iran. Posters about protests and lectures started flooding my university hallways. As much as I cared for the topic it didn't take away from the fact that it was extremely triggering. At the time I didn't have the most supportive system and it sparked a severe emotional and physical change- I was having constant panic attacks and being gaslighted, all while trying to balance a difficult school and work schedule. I fell behind in school and did pretty shit last year. Lost scholarship money cuz of it. Overall became an epic fail and ate shit because I couldn't stop crying. Like, everyday. Holy shit. I would wake up and instantly just be violently shaking. Sob quietly on the bus. Have to leave class because I'm crying again. Cry quietly in my living room. It was constant and I couldn't stop it. I have no idea how I got through that last year and thank fucking god I can get through a day now without breaking down. I met some guy at a school formal and he helped me learn a lot about life and love and what it means to exist as a human and then we depended on each other too much so I left and now we hang out lol. I believe everything happens for a reason. I have been morbidly okay with my failures. There's this girl i know at school who asks how my projects are going. I tell her honestly that they're fucking failing and she just has this look of pity that I don't understand ... 

Yeah I've been struggling a lot lately. But like, I'm soooo okay with it .. I don't know if that's sadistic LOL. Maybe my problem is being okay with it, but like, despite trying to change myself for the better I just.. don't ............. I just can't right now . But I know I can be later, when I at least learn how to stop living on autopilot lol  

Okay also don't get me wrong I don't have low self esteem. Also someone asked me if I was unhappy. I said no, probably depressed, but not unhappy. They were like ummm i yhink being depressed means you're not happy. And I was like well if being depressed means there's a chemical imbalance in your brain that has you fucking suicidal because of grief trauma whatever then that's a whole thing (being depressed). Being unhappy is being in a situation and not being happy. Im in so many situations on the daily and they make me really happy. Seeing my dog, kissing my parents goodnight, petting my kitties, talking to friends. Doesn't stop the brain fog from doing its thing but definitely makes life good. Also im not a doctor and have not been diagnosed with depression so don't take anything I say as fact but as ramblings from idiot at 1.50am in the mornif

First semester of third year is over. I have two outstanding assignments and a deferred exam cuz I ate shit and got COVID. Today I got around to working on my projects a bit. Thank god, I could barely make it out of bed like most days. I have no idea what the future will hold. Anything having to do with it is making my head spin. And the present unfortunately is heavily detached from my brain that I wouldn't be shocked if I have been dissociating this entire time (the last two years)

Okay universe pleaseeeee give me a break, and here's to getting better🪄