Something i wrote like last month--

Me. Birthday Party. 2021.

... Eh. The sound of the low battery alert fills my ears, pausing my overly loud music. Damn it. 10 percent... They'll be off within the next 5 minutes. I grumble, lazily lifting my hand from my side, retrieving my phone from my pocket and grabbing it, moving it up to my face. Oh. 10 percent as well. ... Fuck me. The feeling of tears sting at my eyes but I blink it away, the lump in my throat getting bigger. I really don't want to be here. It's all too loud. Although, I have no idea what's actually happening... I don't know where my sister is--probably talking to E--, where the parents are, where the girls are... But it's still extremely loud. The sounds of some GRLwood playing through my headphones honestly isn't helping at all, in fact it's making me angrier, my face beginning to burn. I hate it here. Nobody has invited me to do anything, they haven't really spoken to me since they welcomed me to the party. I've been left here to sit on a wooden park bench and wallow in self pity. And I'm starving. I've had some chips and a couple drinks, I tried a sandwich but I didn't realize it had cheese in it until the second bite. I'm surprised I didn't vomit right then and there. I crack my neck, which makes me realize I'm sitting in an absolutely terrible position, so I adjust myself. ... I feel like I've been hit with covid, my body feeling so fatigued I might just fall over. But just when I feel like I'm about to finally burst into angry tears, I see movement out of the corner of my eye. I whip my head around to see what it is... And it's An. A slightly surprised expression comes onto my regularly bitchy face, and I wave at her.
"Oh, hello." "Hey." "...Happy Birthday."
I smile a little, trying my best to not come off as rude or anything. She smiles.
She comes a bit closer, now standing in front of me.
"How're you?"
I ask her, I have no idea what else to say, so hopefully fills that part of the conversation... If there's going to be one.
"Great, thanks. Uh, I wanted to ask, have you seen Attack On Titan?"
Thank god. I nod, but then pause and slightly shrug.
"Uh... Well I've just started it kind of, I'm on season two at the moment."
"Oh, cool, so am i."
"... Nice."
This is incredibly awkward. Uncomfortable.
"Have you watched anything else recently?"
I think for just a couple of seconds, looking to the side.
"Uh... Yeah... I haven't really gotten into them fully though, I just watch one episode and then hop to a different anime..."
I laugh a little, my hands pulling at my dress. God, this dress looks horrible. I look ridiculous. I shouldn't be here. Why is she talking to me? I should've stayed home. Should've asked to.
"Ah, yeah, I do that too."
She laughs as well.
"What about you?"
"I finished the last season of My Hero."
"Oh, that's nice, how'd you like it?"
"I thought it was good."
"I agree."
Cool. An agreement in a conversation is always good. I loosen up a little bit, one of my hands moving away from my dress.
"Ok, well, I'll talk to you some more later, ok? We're making a dance over there, if you want to join us actually?"
She points behind her and i look over, seeing the other girls conversating, some jumping together excitedly as they come up with ideas.
"Uh... I think I'm good, I'm not that good at dancing, hah."
"Oh, alright. I'll see you later."
She turns and walks away. I immediately turn back around, not wanting to look over there any longer. I've tensed up again, and now that stinging feeling has become too difficult to bite back, tears welling up in my eyes. God, I am extremely pathetic. A simple conversation about a topic I enjoy has made my heart race so quickly my body trembles. I wipe my eyes as much as I can, hoping nobody is watching me. I really need to work on my emotions. It's not their fault I don't know how to communicate or dance. I look weird. She invited me to hang out and I refused, all because I was afraid. That's a horrible reason to refuse. It's not even that scary, she didn't ask me to jump into the ocean off a high cliff, she asked me to dance with her and the others, something I actually like doing. I sniffle softly, doing my best to be very quiet. I really do not need an adult walking over here and trying to console me, at that point I'd just... My thoughts freeze when I hear my music go silent. ...
I really want to go home.

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