Love, Devotion, and Obsession

Early last year in the aftermath of a difficult breakup I wrote on the subject of love, as one does in those situations. The point of it was a bit egotistical "Love is bad and everyone should approach relationships the same way I do." Even at the time I knew I was mostly just lashing out and didn't really expect the lessons to stick, but some of them did. More the cynical view of love than the alternative I proposed. I'm hoping I can expand on my ideas and come to a conclusion with a bit more substance than last time. I'll open by writing up a somewhat condensed (but still long. sorry.) version of my previous thoughts and then get into where I feel I went wrong and what I think now.

The case against love

As with most children the first love I knew came from my parents. My earliest memories are filled with the love of my parents. for example, being sent outside to "play" with the neighbor kid who would beat me until I went home crying on a daily basis. My parents did this to me so I could socialize and learn to get along with others. That's love, right?

I also learned about parental love when my brother would accuse me of anything he wanted, and I would be physically punished for the imaginary transgressions. They must have loved him so much to believe him without evidence. When I received these punishments, I was always told "this hurts me more than it hurts you" and considering the lifelong trauma I have from it they must have truly loved us to go through a pain worse than that for us.

The list goes on, but I think I've given enough reason to see that the love I was taught as a child was just cruelty with a bow on it. These are common experiences. What I went through later in life was more abnormal and people often don't understand where I'm coming from when I talk about them so rather than try to make a case for why I learned what I did I'll stick to the basics of what I was taught about love. I'm sure you'll appreciate me saving you the time by not getting into detail.

Someone taught me love is like the movies. first sight, music swells, everything but her fades to the background. Love is destiny, love makes the biggest cowards brave, love is all consuming, love is patient and kind, and then love is an obsession. Love is hating because when you hate you still get to hold on. Love is heartache but never giving up hope. Love doesn't have to be romantic all that matters is that they are in your life. Love is letting go and letting destiny decide. In the end, I realized I never mattered to her. All of this took 10 years.

I also learned of God's love. God loves in spite of sexuality, in spite of having fun, in spite of varying spiritual practices, in spite of how people dress, in spite of the circumstances of your birth, in spite of questioning the history and actions of the church, always in spite. never because. The only because the church had to offer was because we are made in the image of God. A phrase that seemed to have a different meaning to each preacher who brought it up.

I've seen countless opinions from others on what love is or should be. I've seen Couples who stuck together for decades who don't even like each other giving different reasons to tough it out. I've seen people experiencing attraction or lust saying they love people they hardly know. I've seen people who call basic human decency and respect acts of love. I've seen monsters who say they love their victims. I have heard love called decisions and actions you make every day.

In my first serious relationship I felt like an object. I felt that I had to make my body available in exchange for love. I learned that love is the horizon something you constantly seek out but never really have. I learned that every waking hour had to be dedicated to keeping the one you love from getting upset. And there I am gravitating to that word upset because I wasn't allowed to say sad when she cried or angry when she yelled at me. I learned love has rules and you will not be told most of them. I learned love is conditional. I learned love is pretending to be happy. I learned that love seems to end, and feelings pass for everyone but me still hurting as bad as the days the wounds were inflicted.

In my next relationship I learned that love isn't the goal it's a tool you use to get what you really want. An end to my loneliness, satisfaction for his curiosity, whatever. I also learned that I would never come first to anyone. Sometimes it's self-love or family or religion but I learned I'd never be on the pedestal I consistently put others on. I learned that a good person isn't automatically a good partner. I learned that people lie because they don't know or aren't willing to accept the truth. I learned love doesn't make sense and you'll never get answers. 

In the next relationship I learned that love could be bigger than 2 people. I learned that love is service, responsibility, and physically caring for someone. I learned love doesn't trust. I learned love overlooks what is healthy or not. I learned love doesn't try to understand. I learned that love is something you have and don't have to constantly seek out, but this means love never grows only withers and dies. I learned love is the newest thing that you get bored and move on from. I learned love isn't patient or kind. I learned love cannot be owned. I learned I cannot be owned.

I was told I was beautiful until I believed it. I was told I was intelligent until I believed it. I was told I was strong until I believed it. I was told I was worthy of love until I believed it. I was told I didn't need anyone else to be happy. Jury's still out on that one. My mind loved me. Sometimes I was active in that love and took care of myself. eating right, exercising, etc. This was a good kind of love, but it wasn't good enough. Self-love can have many of the same toxic traits as any other kind of love. You can see that I kept saying I was told. My self-worth was tied to other people and when they let me down, I let myself down. 

Do all of these things I was taught about love qualify as love? You'll probably say no to that, but I have to respond: does it matter? If that's what the lesson has been from society my whole life and that's pretty much all I've seen of what love is, is there any point in saying that it doesn't count? because it seems like the world has decided that it very much does count.

It's commonly stated that love is different for everyone who experiences it. This is probably true, but entirely unhelpful. If I say or am told "I love you." with no ability to know what that means to the other person then does the term have any value?

The (flawed) case for Devotion

I have to be careful how I define this. I am by no means advocating for an unwavering devotion that allows others to hurt you. I mean an earned and proportional loyalty. I mean something beyond thoughts, actions, and feelings. I mean souls becoming one. I mean when it harms you cutting it off like a tree branch that has grown too heavy. I mean mutual actions being your prayer with religious fervor and zealousness. I wish I had the language to make this land better for those who are not spiritual and I'm probably going to offend some people who are religious too. I am a Christian and I was raised Christian so that is the lens that I have to work with to explain the spiritual love that I'm calling Devotion. The bible says to love your neighbor as yourself but it also says that if your right hand causes you to sin cut it off and throw it away. Your spiritual well being is tied to those you are devoted to. If this connection becomes a toxin it must be removed. Devotion does not need to be absolute. Again, it is proportional. In the same passage Jesus said love your neighbor as yourself he said to love God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Now, I'm not out here evangelizing or trying to recruit people to my religion so forget the god part I'm just using this as an example of how we should approach this kind of love (Devotion). Even in the church the "soul" part of that is extremely overlooked. if you were to ask a pastor what it means to love with your soul you would probably get a response that amounts to "heart 2.0" and even as I write this (and again as I rewrite it almost 2 years later) I am struggling to define what I mean by this and how it would play out in a relationship. 

You can be kind to each other in love while being unkind to your shared spirit. You can be honest to each other in love, but it requires devotion to embody each other's truth.  Dying for someone is kindness, living for one another is love, living as one another is devotion.

The case against Devotion

There are three major problems that I can, in retrospect, see with Devotion as I've explained it.

 1: Since writing this I've had plenty of opportunity to put theory into practice and it definitely did help me see that people I cared about weren't treating me well and I cut them off there were probably many more times when I was blinded by love (as an emotion in this case) and let them hurt me. It's hard to live proportionally when you can't see what's proportional or you are unintentionally putting someone on a pedestal.

2: It's dynamic to the point that it feels the same as when I was changing myself to make others love me. When you are only putting in what you get out of it, it feels like you need to become a whole new person depending on the person or even depending on the day. 

3: It creates feedback loops of neglect. If someone is down for a while and not able to put in as much effort as you, are you may respond in kind by putting less effort in which causes them to respond in kind until the relationship dies. This was never intended to be how Devotion is approached and I was supposed to account for temporary shifts but when you are stuck on this need for proportionality it's far too easy to treat a minor lapse like a slight that you need to get revenge for. Revenge might be a bit too strong of a word there but not every little thing needs a mirror held up to it.

The case for Obsession (yes, really)

When you see that word, your mind probably goes to some of the worst humanity has to offer. stalkers and worse. And that's entirely valid so if you can think of a better word let me know.

Consent is key here. The other party is setting boundaries and even if they aren't successfully communicating boundaries if you are obsessed with them, you should be obsessed with what they want and that includes paying attention to cues that might indicate discomfort. And it means communicating on your part so you can find out what's ok. I think the healthiest relationship I've ever had was with a friend who knew I was obsessed with her. She communicated boundaries and let me know what she was comfortable with, and we never had a romantic relationship at all, but I had feelings for her, and she had different feelings for me. I was obsessed with the person I had not longing for something I didn't have so I never pushed for anything more and I was ok when she dated people. I was happy. And I think my whole life that's the question I've been failing to ask myself: "Does this make me happy?" The love I was taught didn't make me happy no romantic relationship I've ever had has made me happy but being obsessed with someone? Thinking of someone I care about when I wake up, when I have a bad day at work, when I see a cool moth and want to show them, when I go to bed, etc etc etc that makes me happy. And I think when people see where I'm coming from it makes them happy too that someone thinks of them.

I must admit that this doesn't solve the first problem with devotion. I don't know if there is any way to avoid the emotion of love blinding me and causing me to get hurt. It does, however, solve the other two. It is authentic to myself and doesn't make me walk this tightrope trying to do everything exactly in the right way for the best possible outcome.