what the hell has been happening

125 as i write saturday samstag i think

i got lasik. femtolasik, to be precise, a couple of days ago. it was kind of an impulse decision my father did, he told me about it some weeks before i finished my semester and i agreed because i thought that he was just joking—he wasn’t. 

the procedure in itself wasn’t bad, too numbing and calm, my surgeon was great and the recovery has been going smoothly, so smoothly i’m staying at a friends’ house today and getting utterly wasted to celebrate the lasik thing and the end of everyones’ semesters. i finished both my college semester and my german one with great grades, so that’s a bonus.

besides those two (three?) huge things, i also kind of decided i’m not ready to be in a relationship. i think i’m not fit to love, though i crave it. i crave the yearning, the love stares, the letters, the gifts, the hand holding, everything, but i just can’t be bothered. i can’t. so i decided to slowly, little by little, stop responding to his (did i mention him? i can’t tell) messages, and drift away from his life without an explanation.

i think i only get good karma if i become a bad person, it’s an ongoing theory i’ve been holding onto.

so, yes, life’s been weird, and maybe it is because i’ve tried to be stable, and that doesn’t fit me, not at all.