you've got seasonal affective disorder? SAD!

Ohhhhh so thats why i have been turning into a harpy. I see.

jokes aside i've actually been managing my emotions... somewhat! i've started identifying little aggregators in my life and, instead of letting it fester like i always have, am actively working on fixing them or cbt'ing my way past it. wow!

i've been perusing the mary jane mindscape the past week again and doing some deep thinking in between greening out. earlier i had a great revelation that i do not recall. something about coming to terms with having a physical body that i must take care of, which was well needed for me to think about. i've been a bit emotional today missing my boyfriends presence. but i'll use it as motivation to push me towards getting another job. i've got to if i want to grow.

the holidays are kind of rough for everyone arent they? hopefully my family understands that i am unemployed and trying to save up so i cant get the big bux gifts. i shouldn't have really been getting big bux gifts anyway but like, i'd rather spend more on a gift they may actually like!! why waste money on something "cheaper" they may not like (my wallet grows arms and legs and starts physically attacking me)

what else to talk about. driving sucks and is great. i love driving but driving at night is so miserable. Someone tell me the name of whoever decided that our main mode of travel should involve being blinded for 60% of the day while barelling towards eachother at closing speeds of 120mph. i pass every car thinking "i hope im not misjudging the distance and this one doesnt kill me"

but driving a car during the day when its calm hours.... omg... so soothing. makes me feel like joe camel.

reminds me of something i've gotten up to lately, been driving to a local lake during their quietest hours and hanging out at the farthest reaches of the land, away from where everyone else is. its quiet and a beautiful birdwatching spot. don't tell anyone but when my bf was here we shared a joint and it was one of the most magical experiences of my life. yep having the classic teenager experience of smoking in the woods finally at almost 25. oh yeah thats right my bdays coming up.. (tries not to cry in pain)

i've fucked up my sleep schedule and need to get bak to it so im gonna try and lay down and sleep. Goodnight spacehey i hope there's world peace in the morning