my life recently (O8/12)

hello <3!

i've been wanting to write a blog ever since i read dork diaries in elementary school so now imma make my dream come true!

i don't really intend anyone reading all of this, i just need to vent lol. everything has felt overwhelming these days and i need to get so much out of my chest.

it's been weird days, i can't really recall the last time i felt like everything was ok and i was in control. it was barely my second week at uni and i was already sick from stress. i've been questioning if the reason i tell everyone is actually the real reason why i quit architecture. i did feel like i wasn't good enough from day one. i was never the best at drawing, never the best at math, never the best at models, geometry, presentations, investigation, etc. i was surrounded with talented people and i felt i was so mediocre.

i am so fucking scared of mediocrity...

at the same time, all my friends started studying in expensive schools with amazing buildings, great resources, using ipads instead of notebooks, living their best lives. meanwhile i felt like crying just by the thought of having to go back to uni. i hated my classmates, i hated the building, i hated how fucking far it is. 

i'm not quite sure what was the main reason i decided to apply for another uni, everything seems so bad. 

but at the same time, was it? was it really that unsufferable? am i just weak and insufficient?

that's it.

i've been feeling like i'm not enough in every aspect of my life. i'm not pretty enough, not talented enough, not skinny enough, not a good enough friend, not a good girlfriend either, not the best daughter, grandaughter, employee, sister, student; not anything. and it's frustrating because achieving all that is in my hands, but i don't have the strenght to even get out of bed. 

sometimes i feel sad out of nowhere, about nothing specific. in random moments of the day i feel like crying.

am i depressed again? or am i just comfortable being in a bad place?

my psychologist says i get depressed for my parent's attention...

but do i really need their attention that bad?

sometimes i just want to get them out of my life asap. sometimes i feel so much pity for them.

i can't even tell what it is i'm feeling. but when i go to therapy everything seems to be great and under control. my psychologist says i've done so much progress, but i still feel like a 15 year old who's scared of the world.

at this point i've tried so many coping mecanisms. voluntary or involuntary, healthy or unhealthy. i don't think this is an all time low, but i think i'm going through an episode and i'm definitely not ok.

but what if i am and everything is easy and cool and i'm just overreacting? 

what the fuck am i even feeling anyway.

i don't feel the motivation to put my life together rn. i just want to let myself float in this, whatever it is, and hope that it'll take me  to another recovery and not another descent into madness.

i wish i could even get some art out of this, so at least it could be useful. i don't have enough skills.

all i know is, if i could, i'd close my eyes and when i opened them i'd be in a hotel near the beach. i'd wake up to the sound of waves, get some delicious breakfast beside the pool, and just enjoy the smell of sunscreen and the feeling of heat on my body. i miss those days. i miss when i wouldn't worry until my stomach burns. i'd give anything to feel like that again.

i'd give anything to feel at home.

i won't read this after i finished writing bc i'll probably cringe. there is so many stuff on my mind and my heart, but i can't find the words to express it correctly, so i'll continue with this little stupid blog and hope it will somehow make me feel less miserable.

nastya and fran, if you got all the way here, i'm sorry i haven't said anything about this to you. i don't want to make you worried or be a burden (even when you both always tell me i'm not, i feel guilty for giving you so much negative energy). i love you <3