12/08/23: i dont even know

hi guys 

im mostly just blogging to vent things are just really tough, idk about anything in particular and nothing specific really happened I'm just so tired and burnt out 

I hate school I feel like I have no friends and the ones I do have I'm drifting from. i don't really interact with a lot of people and I feel so alone and in my own head all day just waiting for it to be over

I don't have a lot of things I enjoy and I have no motivation esp for school work I'm almost a straight D student which makes me sad and feel bad about myself and I just cant bring myself to do anything about it either. I'm just in this cycle of not being able to do assignments but wanting too. i know my grades are important but I just cant do anything. i might have to switch out of an honors class bc of my grade but I don't want too bc I just want to believe I'm smart

I feel like I'm losing myself. or I've already lost apart of myself and I cant get it back. maybe that just becomes with getting older but isn't it weird to feel burnt out and so terrible at 15? like I'm having a mid life crisis but I'm nowhere near my mid life

I used to be so full of life I had a zest for life I called it. i was extroverted and energetic. its so hard to get out of bed and do anything anymore 

I don't feel connected to any of my family members and I feel like I cant talk to them about anything because nothing specific really happened and I don't know what changed. I'm just too old and worn out and I feel like I've already had the best time of my life and my peak has passed.

i don't enjoy things I used too like writing and singing whatnot

I just feel so numb and somewhere else all the fucking time and i just want to be who i used to be. i miss who i was

it hurts me to think that i still have so much of highschool left because everything feels so exhausting

all

the 

time

i had a choir concert, and i normally like those and feel fulfilled by them but during rehearsal i just started uncontrollably crying. I couldn't sing all i could do was cry and try and make sure nobody heard me because i didn't even know why I'm crying 

i used to love choir. I had a lot of friends there and i really enjoyed it but now i feel so alone. I don't talk to anybody and just count down until its over and all my friends moved on without me i just feel so alone and like I'm faking all my smiles

then i got home and couldn't stop crying either. My dad kept asking what was wrong and i couldn't even say anything because i had no idea. nothing happened there was no situation. 

i just go home and cry and the days i don't are somehow worse because I'm not feeling anything at all 

things are tense with my dad because of it i think 

although there was one thing at the concert that made me smile this guy sang this song and played guitar and he's really cute and i love his voice and it just moved me. he dedicated it to his family and i could never do that with my family. he was just so into the song and happy and confident and it rubbed off on me. i don't think he knows i exist but i really like him. I'm in my own head a a lot and i imagine us together a lot. its comforting he just seems so perfect. i want him to fix me

i really want to talk to him but i don't really have an opportunity and i don't know where to start. i think he's out of my league and my friends say he is too but i like watching him perform a lot even if its from afar. 

i thought about suicide but i cant i have my baby brother. he deserves the world

I'm just getting tired even for a phoniex i always rise up in the end but i don't know if i can anymore

everybody expects me to bounce back from everything so quickly because I'm just so strong or that's what they say. but I'm tired of being strong. I'm so tired.

thanks for listening anybody out there. i don't think anybody really reads these. its comforting to me tho.