[7/12/23] Fuck you and your good vibes

Period. Amazing. I wasn't feeling enough dysphoric these days. The train is one of the super old ones. It makes u feel every bump. Doesn't help my nausea or pain 

Second bus. My line is always empty cus it goes nowhere. Today is super crowded. Not place to sit down. The pain is there and I can't do anything ab it. 

At school I ask the employee if someone is already in my classroom. Dragon is. 

I get there. "Hi" I say hi back but my throat is so tight I don't even know if she can hear the word.

Silence. The tables were already there so I just put some chair around. 

Silence. I set up my watercolor station.

Silence. I take everything else I need. Lighter. A cig. Tissues. Phone. 

"I'll be back later" of course I will I have a class. I get out. Light the cig. Go my way 

I text with some ppl on discord. My phone battery gets low, I need a new power bank. Get to class, some ppl are not there today. 

My prof ask for the illustration I gotta work on. These weeks I managed to make basically nothing. I decide with him for a random sunset shot from star wars. I'm embarrassing. 

My phone eventually dies. Tragedy. Get an idea. I charge it with my laptop. I can keep working. 

This class was fast. Good. Clean everything, get to class, put everything down, why does his voice hurts to hear. Why does berry voice hurts so much to hear. It brings the chest pain back it makes me want to scream and bite my arm it makes me want to explode I hate I hate I hate it.

I get to the sea. I cry this time a bit. I can't bite my arm. Someone's nearby in a car. They got loud music on.

I recognize one of the songs. It's from a band from my country. I know some of their older songs. It's not helping whatever negative thing I'm feeling.

I must look so sad. I must look so pathetic. I am. I am sad to look at. I am pathetic. I am weird in the negative way. Every day of school is the same. Every day of school I'm so miserable. I feel so miserable and I must look so miserable to everyone else. 

Second class. How can someone's laugh makes you feel like something is clawing inside your heart?

Purple has to get out of class before the time cu this time she gotta take the bus. Probability of her taking my same bus, high. Which I hate. I wanted to be a bit alone at the bus stop. 

Prof takes 50 fucking minutes to review the first person's work. What the actual fuck. 

Oh and She diesnt like what i was doing. At all. "It's Just a translation of the article into drawing" I don't fucking care it'always too this, too that, is never fucking right 

"It shows you're not liking this a lot" I don't like this entire class. I could not care less ab it. I am so fucking happy this is the last class and I don't even know if I'll fucking finish this. She hated everything ab it, I have to restart from 0 I do not fucking have the energy to do that. No. Sowwwy I just wasn't be able to make one

"That's why I told y'all to make to think ab article of something of interest to you" JUST BECAUSE I LIKE SOMETHING DOESNT MEAN I CAN MAKE A STUPID ILLUSTRATION FOR YOUR STUPID EDITORIAL CLASS AB IT. 

I wanna cry. I wanna cry so bad.

Oh did I mention Berry's article is ab trans ppl. Oh amazing and oh he decided to whatever the article is about, to represent the porple happy because it's already a heavy topic, let's give it a happy vibe FUCK YOUR HAPPY VIBE I DONT KNOW HOW ILL SURVIVE THIS WAY I HAVE NO ONE AND MY BODY IS WRONG. 

And I hate it. Fuck your happy vibes. And your article ab too much burocracy THAT I WIL NEVER FUCKING BE ABLE TO ACCESS. 

My throat is tight. My lips are trembling. I wanna. Cry. So. Bad. I'm at my limit. I'm at my limit. I'm at my limit. 

The time passes so.fucking.slow. I just wanna get out of here. I need to get out of here.

Purple gets out before me. Not the same bus. Splendid.

It's finally time. I don't even know how I said bye or if anyone heard. 

It's cold. I'm cold. I just be in my bed, warm away from everything and cry. Fuck your happy vibes. 

I'm alone and miserable. And I don't know how I'll continue school in this condition. I talk to nobody. When there's no class I catch the cold winds just to not be with my classmates. I hate half of the classes I'm doing. I can't do the assignments. I'm a shell trying my hardest to not be perceived. I'm crumbling. I can see so many pieces of me on the floor and I'm scared to look in a mirror to see if there's anything left at all. 

A ghost writing from its grave, signing off.