thiughts

i almost wish i missed her , but i dont . 

all thats left were lingering feelings of practically every negative emotion i felt when we were ' together ' except the one i wanted to feel  , just unwanted emotional residue that would flare up at times . i was enraged at her . i absolutely despised her . i was terrified of her . she disgusted me . i felt uncomfortable and unsafe because of her . i hated her , but i cant say that i didn't like her 

my hate was objectively justified because of her morals , but not necessarily on an emotional level . she didnt hurt me , at least not on purpose , she was nice to me . she told me she loved me . but i don't miss her at all

i guess i could say i miss being loved like that . it wasn't anything necessarily special , the only thing possibly desirable about me to her was my age , which was further reinforced within my mind when i got to know her ex girlfriend , who was the furthest possible thing from that past version of myself , but still who she loved all the same . i sometimes wonder if she talks about me with the same restlessness like she talked about her , if im constantly eating away at her mind . i hope i am , and i dont necessarily mean it like i want her to suffer because of me . i just wish i had some semblance of an impact on her , which im aware is a selfish request because she apparently loved me and i apparently did not 

i sometimes wonder if she looks at my accounts . i often wonder if she looks at this account , but i cant be too sure she knew it ever existed . i did like to think she was quietly watching over me