Mamas a racist. Sorry Z

Yeah. So his fears are just confirmed over and over as I speak with my mom. 

I have love for my family but I must let go.

When I get the chance to move on I’m blocking everyone and making my own life. I’ve learned there’s no shortage of people in this world. I just have to find my people. 

My mom and I were talking about the past and how we are doing better now. She has the audacity to say the reason why she was struggling was because I was with some black guy and that gave her anxiety because all she could see was him following her. Lmfao what? Nah this lady is wild. Some black guy? You mean the guy that made me feel like I was worth something and would seemingly fight to the end of the world and back for me. Reminding me more and more why it seemed ok for me to block him and move on. 

One I was jobless at that point and felt at my lowest so I decided for him to leave before he left me. Two my family was in town and made me realize how even they, who are of color, are still racist asl. Three, Brian was light skin. Even if he was bad for me in all the senses, that absolves him of shir in my family. So ofcc I went back to someone my family kept bringing back up. And four, I was on my period and jobless. I created a bad situation by giving this dude money when we had sex on my period. So it felt like I was transactional, but with Brian he would even eat it while bleeding so I guess I felt more liked??! 

Ugh. 

Im highly upset at myself. For being influenced.

Now my dreams are filled with Z hugging me and kissing my neck. I wish I could die so I could forever live in my dreams. I don’t think he’ll ever take me back. I don’t even think he’d ever talk to me. I think he hates me. I would too. Im sorry for abandoning you..

Fuck the racist.