I feel like I'm going insane

My head hurts and I was basically crying all night. My wrists hurt and my eyes hurt. If I'm being honest everything hurts. I just want everything to be over. I want to not exist. I have skipped so much school to avoid being bullied that I'm being put on probation for it. I can't miss school for 90 days. I want to just crawl in a hole and die. Everything hurts. i want everything to be normal again. I miss that feeling when everything was new and I was amazed by everything. I wish I didn't understand anything so I wouldn't be able to understand the things those kids at school say to me. I wish I was deaf so I couldn't hear their snickering behind me. I wish I was invisible so nobody could look at me and not see how ugly I am. I want everything to just go away. I hate school. I hate everyone at school. I hate they way they treat me, the way they look at me, the way they talk about me, the things they say to me. I hate all of it I wish all of them would disappear. I want someone to talk to about my problems without lieing to them. My therapist is so nice but I don't want my mom to get mad at me for it. She told me to not tell them that I want to kill myself. How can they help me if I'm lieing about everything. I can't tell them how I hear voices telling me to rip my skin off, I can't tell them about how I feel like something is starring at me when there's nobody there even tho I can mentally see it looking at me. It's big eyes and long teeth. I can't tell them that I see him every night in my window. I can't tell them. I can't express my emotions. I can't tell my friends how I feel bc they will just go "same" "real" or they say they see him too. But they say it like a joke. It's not a joke. He's there. I see him. I don't like him. I don't like him at all. He scares me. I just want to be able to express my emotions and the thinking I feel and see. I want someone to be able to understand me. I want someone to understand me in any way shape or form.