✩ ‧₊˚ S1mmy 💤's profile picture

Published by

published
updated

Category: Life

Silly (no one cares :3)

Hellooo! Probably no one will be seeing this (and I really hope not) Well, I'm just going to write about some little things I've been feeling recently, is this maybe a TW for some people? Idk

(Sorry for my bad English)


Uh, well! A while ago I talked to my mom about some things I was feeling and, man, that was the worst decision of my life, my mom is not a bad mom, she does everything for me and my little brother, I am really grateful to her for that but she doesn't even seem to try to understand what I feel, she NEVER seems to take me seriously, she says I'm too young to really feel this way and that I'm probably just trying to get attention, That was EXACTLY the same thing she said when she found out I was self-harming, the first reaction she had was anger, just anger, thinking I was being dramatic, that there was no reason for me to do that because she always gave everything good to me, I felt terrible, I really started to think that I was what she said I was, I felt an immense desire to just disappear


I also mentioned to my mom the fact that I was trans, at that time I was happy with myself, I was satisfied and not very insecure about it, I had already mentioned to my mother that I felt "weird" in that I hadn't felt like a "real girl" since I was 8 years old, obviously this wasn't taken seriously, currently it wasn't either, my mom just threw it in my face that I'm a girl and always will be, said I'm a mistake as a "daughter" and this is just a phase, I feel like those words hurt me more than they should have, I'm a sensitive person, no matter how much I don't show it, no matter how much that conversation I had with my mother was about... 5 months ago? I don't remember, I still feel bad, I feel uncomfortable with my appearance, I feel uncomfortable with my personality, my body, how I dress, my voice and even the way I walk, I don't feel masculine enough, I don't feel handsome enough, I don't feel interesting or talented enough, sometimes I feel like I'm not really living, just existing, like I'm a burden and a waste of oxygen


I just end up pushing people away from me, and I never get used to that feeling, I must be so tiring for other people, I'm so monotonous that it's tiring even for myself, my routine is so stuck but I can't do anything to change it, no matter how hard I try, it seems like it's always the same thing, never something new, never something different, always the same thing


Sometimes I feel like all I need most is a firm and warm hug, where I feel like I won't be left and I feel truly safe, a hug that tells me that everything will change and that everything will be okay again, that I will be able to live my life like I did when I was a little child, I'm barely a teenager and I'm far from adulthood, but I understand the feeling of really miss what my life was like when I was just a little kid


but it doesn't really matter, I'm just a silly 12 year old who isn't mature enough to understand how things :P


0 Kudos

Comments

Comments disabled.