TW/ potentially triggering sexual content

My Body, Our Temple

When I was younger I consumed too much inappropriate media that rotted my young brain. Especially about sex and everything to do with it. Not like porn, I was more interested in the idea of emotional intimacy on a physical level. I heard stories about a lot of girls and how sometimes they would cry afterwards. These girls were always berated for their emotional response to what should be a positive intimate experience. I told myself I would never be one of those girls because it was shameful to show such emotion.

But after experiencing sex, I understand. The person who I did it with for the first time, I loved very dearly. A naive, puppy love, but love nonetheless. I do not regret it. But even in the best times, I find that my eyes turn glassy and the tip of my nose turns red. My throat burns for the sweet release of sobs, and in a poor attempt to hold back the waterworks, I smile and thank them. They never did anything wrong and it’s purely the fault of my own anxieties. 

Afterwards I feel as if I have betrayed my body, I let someone else enter my temple and destroy the haven I created. My body is my temple, and when left untouched the natural environment takes over, vines weave their way around my pillars and moss grows in the crevices. Creating a facade of greenery to absorb the sun's beauty and shade the insects and small mammals that in turn, care for the shrine. But I let the person touch me, for an impulsive yet delicate pleasure. They dust the corners, clean the vines, scare away the animals, all as a form of worship. I let them in to pay me a prayer but in that way, they ruin the delicately balanced ecosystem that I had so meticulously created. 

The destruction of that natural barrier is what hurts, that's why I cry. I work so hard to nurture each blossoming flower and sun-spotted leaf, for it all to be undone by the ‘help’ of a human being. I do not blame the human, they are a little misguided in their step but they are only doing what they know best. I hope to teach them to live in harmony with what I build and maybe one day they will spend the mornings feeding the birds and in the afternoons, pulling weeds from mossy crevices. But I haven’t had the chance to teach anyone how to care for the temple yet.

My body is a temple, but I don't think it's my temple anymore. Because, while I may be the only one to personally inhabit it every day of every year, I must learn to share such an intimate place with the people I love. And to keep their love I must let them intrude, even if I am not ready for their company.

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