i think i am becoming nocturnal and i wish i could stay this way

i have a horrifying confession to make. a silly one. a shameful one. all of these descriptors are true.

i have been very mentally ill and i did not power through it. for the past few months, my psychiatrist insists on writing me sick and i am on government support. and it is embarassing, painfully so. i won't torture you with details about my life, i need to stop turning every single blog post of mine into a trauma dump. what you need to know that while i am still struggling deeply, unable to structure my life or take care of myself much, there is one thing that was surprisingly therapeutic to me that i haven't really been planning for. and that was staying up all night.

'but sol!', you may say, 'that's so unhealthy!'. well, so i thought, trying to keep up a healthy sleep schedule, and failed. but let me tell you, when i stayed up all night the first time, it was the most tranquil experience i have ever had. i don't know if i mentioned it anywhere here, but i am autistic, struggling deeply with all sensory stimuli. think being overhelmed with bright lights, texures, needing ear guards in public. nighttime has been like a break from the world for me. dark, quiet (luckily, now that my loud neighbour moved out). i live alone, so there is nobody to bother me. i don't usually experience this type of calmness in my life, ever.

i really wish i could stay this way.

but first of all, it is not 'healthy'. second of all, the 'night life' is pretty scarce in my area, meaning no late night groceries or deliveries. and then again, even if these were available, it would mean more people, ads, billboards, lights, noise. i know it is not very realistic to live completely nocturnally in this world, but i really wish i could. i wonder if i could ever find a way to function in society that doesn't actively destroy me. otherwise, i would need a karma calculator to make sure i can reincarnate into some nightly creature :P