a certain kind of lovesick

it grows and it spreads, thick black ooze taking over what was once your home. it looks the same but it can never feel the same. having to defend yourself for daring to come back. and boo hoo, little old me, for loving my teddy bear too tight and wanting to stay under the roof that's kept me dry and the walls that kept me safe from mom's closed fists and bottles of whiskey. and woe is me for growing attached, for daring to love my father when he gave me a safe haven. i sat in the back seat of his car on a sunny day over spring break, holding a bottle of cola in my little hands when he told me good things can never last. i wish i had held on tighter. i wish i could stuff the hurt inside myself and grow around it, become the hate i was so born of. he was right, you'll see. you'll all see.