2023-12-02

My employment program ended yesterday. It was fun, I got a girls phone number, met another transmasc person who lives in my area... I also broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago, so, that happened during the program.

Now I'm alone again. Got really weird and personal with an online friend about kinks and stuff, but had a fun time, such a fun time that before I knew it, it was 5AM, and the clock on my hallucinations was ticking.

Tripped out this morning on nothing. 

Got reminded that I start therapy soon. Saw a psychiatrist, they think I have some kind of personality disorder. Cool, cool, cool. 

Joined 'queer club'— pretty much. We make crafts and stuff. Met a nonbinary person named Ellie there, who shares a name with the girl Ellie whose number I got. So that was nice.

I'm looking forward to the next club meeting. I'm looking forward to therapy. I'm looking forward to getting a job again.

But still, I feel lucky to look forward to anything. Palestinian journalists are feeling hopeless, everyone is in a mass depression again as Israel goes through with the second phase of war, and I've officially changed my stance on my entire future because of it.

I'm not going to live out my dream of continuing education until I can find a way to do it without dropping a single cent in the governments piggy bank.

I'm never going to file my taxes. And I would rather go to jail than ever have to pay them back.

Thankfully, in the class we were told about this hack around actually paying the taxes, so that you collect the governments money instead, but I still would rather be arrested.

If that's the only 'activism' accessible to me, I will do it. My life is dedicated to Palestine forever, and nothing will change this.

The world mourns and cries that we failed them as allies, but another part can understand there is nothing we could do more than speak. When speaking feels useless, you scream, and when that feels useless, you would usually move on to bigger things, but many of us are also just completely average. And voice-power is all we've got.

The world is actively Failing Palestine. Not us. Not my average-Joe neighbour. 

Even with countries that do stand up for Palestine, excuses are made to not aid, or it's the fact that they have also been kept poor by the sons of America and cannot aid. Even countries that have pledged aid, money, and denounce Israel, are centring Israel in the conversation a lot of the time too.

It's really not the time to play anymore, nor was it ever, but this is about Palestine. The people trapped there are a part of Palestine right now. They are living off expired food, rations, and falling sick with severe illness, falling to the ground of untreated sickness, the genocidal occupation still drops internationally illegal chemicals, that will ruin their lives and ecosystem for unknowable periods of time (see:Fallujah) and nobody cares but the average person. Who is just as unbelievably privileged as the person cheering this on in the sense that we could both choose to log out of the internet, and pick to see the propagandised world assuring us that no matter which 'side' you're on, the genocidal one will be okay.

The world is a disgusting and miserable place, I no longer care for dreams if they involve a cent towards any government, I just want the people of Palestine to be freed, liberated, and writing about how messed up it is that anything other than a mass grave of their families, friends, children and neighbours is being dug in front of them as they speak.