the whimsy of blogging and the threat of being known. a vent

the threats never really felt... personal, though? i have made many online friends, i was happy to talk about my hobbies, culture of the area where i was born. years ago, i would be happy to tell you all about my plans for the weekend and brag a little about the region i live in. it's a big city, many tourists for christmas season, who would care or be able to track me down? danger never came for me from online spaces into the real world. funnily enough, quite the opposite happened! :')

after i broke up with my ex, he started stalking me. he used my contacts, mentions of locations i have been to to follow around me and my friends. he would travel from poland to germany just for that., at night, during the day, it didn't matter. even just mentioning what i was doing or hinting who i was online made me terrified. i made new accounts everywhere, blocked all his numbers. he really tried every way of contacting me. it made me terrified of talking about anything that may be identifying information, lest he discovers me. i changed my whole god damn chosen name, because the one i've been using ever since i was 10 years old became too recogniseable. i don't have facebook or any platform using irl names because of that.

i think it traumatized me. it has been like a year or two, police got involved, but i can still feel the effects. but now it also makes me angry! angry for the lack of freedom, of that innocent whimsy of sharing my everyday life in it's whole context, sharing my photos. i honestly don't care if you all know where live! i don't care if you know where i've been. all i care is if this one absolute garbage of a human being sees me talking about it, recognizes me (since you know. he already knows where i live) and takes my pure existence as provocation. that it will start all over again. you can't hurt me an any way that matters, because we aren't close. this guy can, just because he has a personal reason.

whew. now that i got this out of my system... i really wonder what this day brings. i planned to go out with my darling, but he got sick so i am not sure if it will come to fruition :( i would love to go alone, but the tourists may make the weekend a special kind of hell, especially in the city centre, where most of the places i wanted to go to are. i could always draw and get some grocery shopping done too. maybe a depression apartment cleanup...

song of the day: 'if i could fly' by helloween