I don't feel like a 'good' person.

I'm sensitive. I always have been sensitive to my own feelings and the feelings of others. Usually, the latter came first in my need to nurture and help while the former came fifth in regards to an ill-defined hierarchy. I never felt like a child though my demeanor was always that of one. The adult role of emotional understanding was something I was thrusted into, one that I understood even at the time was something I should not have been worrying about while playing hopscotch. I no longer resent the adults that put me in such a position, because I have no one else to thank for my enlightenment and understanding about people's true nature and thus, my own. 

I have never been truly selfish or truly malicious towards anyone. I've been hilariously righteous and virtuous; one might say to an autistic degree or so I've been told. To the point where people think I'm hurting them only to later follow my direction as I applaud them from the sidelines, thankless and unneedy. People say it's a childish nature to be uselessly kind and unwaveringly fair, but it's only that way because it's been beaten (sometimes literally) out of most people a long time ago. It shows because I don't have anyone I can call a 'friend' and can live with myself in spite of that. A lot of people can't say that and I have yet to meet anyone who can love themselves quite like me. 

People have 'friends' because they compromise petty things with each other. Give and take. Know superficially 'deep' things about each other. So far, I have yet to meet anyone who has ever been deserving of half the niceness (that being the problem) I've shown in the past. To know even the hurtful, nasty parts of me. For a long time I was in a perpetual cycle of self harm, clawing desperately at those who had no values and reserved no right or ability to value me the way they should have. I know for a fact they feel it now. I've always been a beacon of light and like a moth to a flame, I know they check up on me from time to time especially when I've brought on great success in their absence. It's funny how it all works out. 

The more I come to an understanding about the purpose I've chosen for myself and why I even decided to come back to Earth(if you don't understand this concept you've read too far already) the more free and successful I become. It's to be in service to myself and others as a truthbearer, no matter how cutting it might be. I love people, detrimentally so. I want those who I love from a distance, at a personal level, and those I glance at and see parts of myself to succeed, always. Not everyone has to be good all the time but at least be good for something. If I like what they're doing, even better.

I'm hardheaded. I know I can be too much. I've learned my lesson countless times and it's now stuck.  I like to scare people with unwavering honesty and interest. Even as I type this, I can't help but wonder if anyone will understand me. Would you still love me if I reflected exactly who you are?