struggles with art

i went to a pierce the veil concert like 2 weeks ago. i have a pretty marked routine, and this show was in the middle of the week so, i had to rearrange my whole schedule and work my ass off just to get 3 days off. it totally drained me, so these last few days i've tried to stay in bed as much as i can. so i've been thinking a lot about what art is, what it means to me, and what place does it have in my life.

i used to draw and paint a lot when i was in high school. and i never really saw myself doing anything else. i even had plans of going to art school and the whole deal. now that i think about it, i'm glad i didn't have the money for it. because i'm not sure drawing made me happy. i can'teven remember how or when i started to draw in my free time, but i can assure you that i don't think i've ever did it for myself. maybe to show off? to be able to stand my ground and say "this is me, and this is what i do"? to give my life some sort of meaning? that would explain a lot. 

at some point along the way, the simple act of sketching something out could make me feel so miserable and bad about myself. the inevitable self-comparison, the frustration of not being good enough, never getting better no matter how much i practiced. the feeling of being stuck. this was my thing and it made me feel horrible inside. i think last year was when i finally got sick of it. what's the point of coming up with a good idea if the result is not gonna be what i wanted? who am i trying to show this shit anyways? why keep drawing?

so, i haven't drawn anything in a while now, and i don't plan on doing it any time soon. maybe some loose doodles here and there to put some of my ideas on paper, but nothing like what i used to do. and i'm fine with it. now i am. because obviously, at first i had no clue of what my purpose was anymore. who am i if i'm not doing the thing that made me me for long? and, like it or not, i love to create. i have far too much shit going inside my head at all times. if i don't draw then how do i get it out of my system?

so, i started playing music. nothing fancy, started to play a guitar that was collecting dust in a corner of my house. i learned some basic chords, some easy song, and i just kept going at it whenever i felt like it. and for almost a year now, i've been learning and making music. and it has been so fun. i know im probably ass at it, and things don't come out as easy as i wish they did. but it feels different, it feels alright. i have no clue of what i'm doing, so everything is allowed. i can fuck up as many times as i want, shit can sound off and on the wrong key, my lyrics can be shallow and silly and that's totally fine. because i'm making something i never thought i was capable of before. and it's so much fun. 

and believe me, this whole working-on-music thing can be draining! sometimes i wish i could just snap my fingers and have the finished product ready. but i still i enjoy the process, i really do. i like seeing how songs change and mutate, i like to play around and coming up with catchy melodies, i even want to get my hands on other instruements i know nothing about just to see what i can do.

i haven't experienced this joy of not knowing for a while, and i'm gonna cherish every bit of it.