thanksgiving and some other stuff

thanksgiving gave me a glimpse of what happy life feels like. and now its gone again. i went to graces house (an irl friend from hs) for the entire break and it was amazing. spending time with her family is like spending time with my own family. and i had so much fun and i didnt want it to end but it did and now im back in this fucking apartment.

i was playing omori last night while micah was playing a game with his friends, and he was screaming at the top of his lungs like hes the only person in this house. it was in those moments that i fully committed to breaking up with him, making every big decision with the focus of making it possible to break up with him. i do not like him anymore. i like him sometimes, when its just us laying together in bed (since this is the only time he hangs out with me) but with other people he acts like a man. and i dont know how to explain it because i know i dont like girls but i hate a man who acts like a man. but i only like men. the more he does things the more i get the ick.

hes very loud. all the time, and he doesnt ever try to be quite. if im sleeping he'll be loud as fuck, he'll yell with his friends in vc when im sick and he knows my head hurts and i have a fever of 105. i want to be with someone who is considerate.

i really dont want to be with anyone at all actually. i should be spending time getting to know myself, and im trying but its a bit difficult when you have a man whos obsessed with videogames and anime whos just around all the time because he lives here.

which isnt his fault

this is my fault

i should have never moved in with him i should be at ems house right now, but i wanted independence?? idk what i wanted.

i wanted us to work, i felt guilty at ems house. being at ems house is different than being with grace.

i do think that being here is better than being somewhere else. i dont really see micah that much. hes at work so i basically get all day to myself. sure its kinda frustrating (very frustrating) when micah just comes home from work to barely talk to me and just play video games or work on music.

this cant be one sided, he doesnt act like he wants me here either.

at least now i have something to look forward to-- breaking up with micah and moving out. move in somewhere with my own room. i'd like to have roommates. but i will not be sharing a room with someone. my own space that i can decorate and put my stuff wherever i want, have as much stuff as i want. i dont want to feel guilty in my own space, i dont want to feel like i cant hang up a poster in my own room. i have this beautiful hikaru utada poster i want to hang up. the other day i was just looking at it in awe going "shes so beautiful"

    this is the poster. isn't she beautiful. im so in love with her oh my god. 

and i have two perfume posters i want to put up.

but i'd feel bad because micah doesn't want a lot of posters on the wall and there r already like four up but they r all his but idk i still feel guilty

for now im just going to try to be content with what i have.

i dont have a car, im not getting a car for another month, and even then i'd have to find somewhere else to live, i dont want to go back to ems house. i love em and i love their family but i cant live there, i feel so awkward like i have to hide, i dont want to hide in my own house. i want to have a space where i can be myself and be alone.

but i think for now i can be content.

especially when school starts, i'll have something else to focus on, and i can work on being a version of myself i can love.

right now i feel really ugly, but at least im ugly with someone i dont want to be with anymore vs being ugly with someone i want to be with

yk.

im not a very good person

i hope to look back on these blog post things someday and laugh at myself for being so scared to go after what i want, once this stage of my life is over, i wanna reread these and be grateful that this isnt me anymore, that im not forcing myself to live a life that i hate

i want to pull out a puzzle in my room at random and not have to worry about someone else getting in the way of it,

to stay up as late as i want without having to worry about being loud,

or to go to sleep as early as i wish without having to tell micah to shut the fuck up

and to decorate my room!!!!

i decorated my desk yesterday, its beautiful too, just like hikaru. i love it, i wish my whole room could be like this. someday it will

micah gave me his old monitor and im definitely taking it when i break up with him.

I FEEL SO GUILTY

because im excited to break up with him and start over and meet new people, make friends, DO WHATEVER I WANT realistically this wont happen for a few months, but i've already started to mentally distance myself, mentally checking out of the relationship, it already has made me feel better having simply decided that im over being with him.

im a gentle person. i dont yell, i dont like when people yell. i dont like when people are violent.

i want to be with a gentle person. its okay to get a little roudy, everyone gets roudy.

i dont want to be with an ipad kid. i want to have conversations with you while u play with my hair. i want the people i welcome into my space to be peaceful, considerate, thoughtful, kind people. girls are a lot better at that than boys.

micahs an ipad kid. hes on his phone all the time. hes watching a screen at all times. i cant wait to break up with him.