poem

silly poem from when i was really depressed loll

cw: drug mention + sewerside mention

running through back alleyways. taking pills just to feel okay. sometimes I wish I could swerve off this bridge and blame the fog. paint my wrists black and blue just because there's nothing better to do. my moods flicker on and off like an old porch light. never the same person when I go to sleep as when I wake up. that old rope in the garage has me on speed dial (my dearest friend). “I'm having another episode, i just need a stronger dose.'' I say. If only that damn doctor would listen. I'm everyone's second option. you keep me around only because I listen. these friends, they don’t love you. my thoughts and I are the worst pair. I'm on my own for this one. stitching myself back together just to fall apart for what feels like the millionth time. I've had a good run. feeling sorry for myself cause no one else will. when you do feel sorry for me, it ends up being the coldest crocodile tears. setting myself up for failure time and time again. getting my hopes up just to get let down. self-sabotage might as well be my nom de plume. the world is playing a cruel joke on me. “It’ll get better” you say. when will it? “be patient” you say. I'm done being patient. I've waited for what feels like centuries, but nothing. being patient won't set me free from this prison that is my mind. pencil sharpeners. (how bittersweet). I fear there is no antidote for me. walking the plank on a sinking ship. I feel like I am anchored to the bottom of the sea. poseidon, set me free. I don't do too well on my own. my heart is the worst kind of weapon. bands I call therapists pumping through my speakers after the longest day. the ringing in my ears matches the banging of the (dold)drums. In a crowd, my thoughts are the loudest. sometimes, I wish I'd just drop dead. the feeling of letting people down is gut wrenching. nothing I do will ever be good enough for them. they set the standard, and i'm trying to live up to it. (if i reach it, they raise it). I bought an alarm clock just to hit the snooze button. forever an imperfection. detox just to retox. why try if it'll end up in misery. I might as well throw in the towel. wave the white flag. you can only blame your problems on the world for so long until you realize you did this to yourself. I got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match. the only ring I want buried with me are the ones around my eyes. I cant commit to a thing, be it heart or hospital. I could write it better than you ever felt it. I'm a disappearing act done poorly, if I ever get it right you'll miss me, sorely. there is forever a dark cloud above my head. I can feel the weather in my bones. blackmail myself cause I ain't got anyone else. a hand behind this pen relives a failure everyday. I could kid myself into thinking that I'm fine. I don't think I can take the way you make me out to be.

ermm credit to fob for the lyrics i reused