consider this, just one more

i need you to stop needing me

you don't know, but you're living a lie

you're closing your eyes and pretending i'm something i'm not

you're pretending i'm lovely and stable and precious

you're pretending i'm returning this kiss

you're breathing down my neck and twisting my hair between your fingers, saying we could be something beautiful if i would just slow down. you're swearing we could be a sundust and milky way love story if i would just stop running away all the time.

you're calling me baby, you're calling me darling, you're trying to hold my hand and ignoring the fact that i'm shaking with anxiety. your salty lips keep misfiring and landing on my jaw, your greedy fingers keep tearing my coattails apart. 

can't you see? 

i'm a mistake that you're trying to rearrange into something lyrical 

a disaster that you're trying to pretend is miraculous

in reality i'm knocking down vases and ripping the mona lisa in half, i'm tripping down the stairs and crashing through the third story window. i'm bleeding all over the concrete and setting off the car alarms, tripping over pedestrians and shattering my pelvis on the pavement. in reality i'm a calamity, i'm a misfortune. i'm pulling up tulips and planting weeds instead. 

i've got pollution boiling in my veins 

and bone crushing nerves snapping at my spine

so stop trying to call me a solution. stop trying to use me as a foundation to build your life on when i'm just silt, i'm just ash, i'm just hourglass sand running through your hands. i'm abrasive and cruel, arrogant and selfish. i'm not your princess, i'm not your beloved, i'm not poetic or soft. 

you won't hold my chin and find andromeda by connecting the freckles on the bridge of my nose.

because i'm just doing ninety down the freeway and taking another drag on my cigarette. i'm just flicking it out with your love through my passenger window. i can't be responsible for your heart, so stop slipping it under my pillow at night. 

stop trying to write songs on the crook of my elbow. 

stop trying to tell me that the only time you can pray is when my body is your chapel. 

i'm heartless, i'm cold, i'm a sanctuary that's been burned to the ground. 

i gave it all away and sent my love out on the airwaves three and a half summers ago. i don't have anything to give you anymore. 

so try to understand i'm hollowed out, that i'm just running through the motions. 

try to comprehend what i'm telling you.

open your eyes and try to see me for what i really am.