Love Ain't Just For Others

You know how people always say, like, "you'll only find love once you love yourself?" and shit like that?

So, unfortunately, that's true.

Over the past 3 months I've been working incredibly hard to better my mental health; I kind of was blind to how bad it was getting, but it's relieving how much better I've gotten in such a limited amount of time. I'm proud of myself, you know! But before now, I feel like I would either ignore or be completely shut down in misery over how I had no romantic prospects. I would hear "you need to be confident in yourself," "you need to love yourself" and I would seethe, because I was like "I'm always faking confidence in public. I pretend that I think I have value in order to maintain a feeling of self-control. That's the same thing to an outsider, it shouldn't make a goddamn difference. I know plenty of broken people in relationships." but in just the short amount of time I've been improving, I am now... pursuing? observing? two different romantic prospects with two guys. Both have shown interest but just waiting on new developments...

One long haired guy, lets call him Luke, volunteers at the charity I work for. We would chat, he mentioned being familiar with my work as the former president of our university's LGBTQ+ organization, and he was involved with the smaller LGBTQ+ org specifically for STEM majors. At some point, I ask for his Instagram. He says he recently deleted it for a social media detox, but would give me his phone number. However, I texted him and... no response. I was kind of confused, why offer the number if you didn't want to communicate? So the next time I saw him, I didn't know what to expect, but he still seemed cheery and interested in talking to me, so I made a joke about not responding to me, and he was genuinely apologetic, said that he's awful with responding to texts, that he reads them and then just forgets. After he left, I texted him (figuring he'd see it, just not reply) saying that if I couldn't chat more with him over text, I hoped he'd invite me to hang out sometime. Then when I did finally see him again (it was like, over a week later), he did. I did ask him, this time, however "if I wanted to take you up on it, how on earth do I contact you about it?" and he laughed, embarrassed, and said he would respond to texts this time. Yet to see that, though. I think this boy is too elusive, whether he likes me or not. Lack of... communicative compatibility. Also while he's very kind, there's not too much wit/charisma. He's got a granola vibe, likes hiking, soft-spoken. Not terrible but for better and for worse, I'm a big personality.

Punk guy; calling him Han, was shown to me by a mutual friend. They had messaged me on Instagram over a month ago suggesting hooking me up with a guy they knew, I told them to go for it. After a month of nothing, I figured he saw my Instagram, decided "nah," and that was that. But then out of the blue, he follows my Instagram, messages me, says our friend shared my info with him a couple days ago. "A couple days ago...?" I say, "They mentioned you a month ago to me, I figured you just decided against me lol!" I figured it'd be a good laugh, and it was, but he's also embarrassed that's his first impression. Which, to me, sounds like he takes more than a passive liking to me/is seriously interested! You never know if someone gets introduced but is only like, platonically intrigued. We have been talking for about a week since. He's very nice, I just need to get to know him more, and see what he's like in person. I think I might be a tad bigger of a guy than him, which is absolutely fine, I just have to make sure there's not the dynamic where I'm expected to be like, THE big guy, the dominant one socially, in that kind of heteronormtive masc role. It's happened before with guys smaller than me who were into me, and I don't like the dynamic. But Han seems to have some more edge to him, and he's absolutely great to talk to! Get much more out of him, both in literal word count and in charisma, than Luke.

Also may be getting some increased attention after my debut at my university's Emo Nite, where I wore a mesh shirt and generally had an impressive stage presence (according to those watching). Got some more followers on Instagram. A girl actually flagged me down on campus the day after by proclaiming "you performed at emo nite!" while pointing at me. I actually might face reveal with a couple of those pics, I'm really proud of everything about that night! It was a great time.

But yeah, two growing possibilities! Will be interested to see if one of them goes anywhere. Still low on experience with them, so whichever I can get to know more at a decent pace is at a substantial advantage (I guess as long as I like what I get to know, LOL). It feels so weird, talking about this stuff like "well we'll see which gentleman reigns supreme" like I'm some prize to be won, but I guess, I am now? I'm at the very least not a burden to be saddled with.

But yeah. Heal your brain. It's good for you, and the world around you takes notice.

-chasey