poetry pt3!!

tw for mention of  suicidal thoughts !!!

ungodly god.

you created the world,

grew flowers,

fostered storms,

watched the bird and the fish.

but you are an ungodly god.

you, with your harsh hands

wrapped gracelessly around my throat.

you with your swift blows and mean words.

the stares and taunts.

you are an ungodly god,

if you are god at all.

sometimes i think you just tell that to me so ill beg like a dog at your feet;

so that you can make me into your sacrificial lamb. 

broken temples where your name was once proclaimed.

corpses of those like me that you have left to wither and rot under the hot sun.

you bury us in mass graves and sweep our memories under the rug.

while you, with your silver tongue and words like honey trap another lamb for your sick and twisted game.

broken greenhouses 

when i was young, 

we moved a lot

and my dad wasn’t around a lot.

when i was 4, maybe 5, we moved again.

into a big, big house.

it was scary.

we had to drive 30 minutes to get to school and there were mice in our walls.

mama said we were just renting and that dad would probably move us again soon.

every morning mama would wake me up quietly,

we tried not to wake up my siblings,

and she would carry me down to her room.

i would brush my teeth in her sink, one time my tooth fell out in her sink too,

and then she would pack me a bag of dry cookie crisp and we would drive to school.

after school i would sit in daycare, gambling for skittles and watching Elmo.

i got my gameboy here.

it was a rusty red, i had only three games.

(new) super mario, yokai watch, and a pet game.

i would pace around my house playing on it for hours,

past broken green houses and abandoned barns.

and when my mama finally tore my young eyes away from that screen she would encourage me to sit quietly and watch.

we saw deer one time.

it was a pretty deer. 

but eventually as all small children do,

i got bored.

and i once again returned to the small screen of my gameboy.

recording reminders, pictures, videos of speech therapy, and broken green houses overgrown by the plants they once housed.

sunlight 

someone once called me sunlight.

crazy right?

me? sunlight?

i am not sunlight,

i am sharp,

i am a dirty animal.

with matted hair

and bloody teeth

and jagged nails.

nothing but a girl who has kicked and screamed and wailed to survive.

i am not surviving if i am not winning.

i am not winning if i am not surviving.

i am not sunlight.

sunlight is soft, 

sunlight is ugly carpets you can’t remember not having,

blueberry farms

and big pigouts with people you only see there.

big lakes and loud laughter.

sunlight is making school crafts and biting into fake fruit.

i am not sunlight.

but i think one day id like trying to be sunlight.

last nights

if i finally did it,

killed myself, tonight,

would you cry?

would it devastate you?

if i finally did it.

would you look for me in the cats on the street,

and the pink flowers by the road,

and would you think about me when you spoke to someone with my  name?

would you feel sad watching my accounts grow dusty and unused.

would you mourn my loss?

would they rejoice?

feel glad?

finally unburdened by me?

or would they feel regret?

feel sorry for those cruel words thrown carelessly at me?

would my dad lay fresh, pink, flowers on my grave?

would he kick himself for not seeing it sooner?

would my mama finally listen to my favorite songs and instead of being annoyed would she be sad?

if i killed myself tonight.

comment ur fav and check out my other poetry blogs!!