Vent

Tomorrow i'll turn 18 and i haven't lived a single day on the past 8 years without feeling like im not enough.

I've said this before but i've never felt like i belong anywere, i never felt like a part of a friend group, a community or even a family, it's not like i haven't tried or that people haven't tried to integrate me (tho its not like its their job to do it of course) it just never feels right. This last year i found a group of people i felt like i belonged in, and im not saying i don't, but it just does't feel right, i still feel alone, i hang out with people more often, i talk with people more often but i still feel alone, i don't know why, that's just the way it feels and that feeling has been consuming me from the past 8 years, it's become unbearable. Every time i make a change on my life i feel like that feeling may go away but it doesn't, its still there, reminding me that i still don't fit in, no matter how much i try i won't get out of it. Most of the past years i've spend them on my house, in front of a computer or a phone, consuming endless hours of media i started to hate, watching a face i started to hate, living on a body i started to hate, i don't think i could honestly point out a single thing i like about myself, but i knew that attitude won't get me anywere so i tried, i tried loving myself, i tried looking for something i could like about myself, soon i asked myself, why am i doing this? am i actually trying to love myself by convincing my brain that there's something good on me? or am i just doing this cause people have repeated me over and over that no one will love me if i dont love myself first? but would that even change anything? i've pretended loving myself for over 4 years and nothing, i,ve never been on a relationship on my whole life, i know that that's not the only kind of love i should crave for but honestly i feel its the only thing i need to prove myself that im worth for something.

Im not inteligent, im ugly, i have a disgusting body, i have a boring personality and im useless as a whole, i've come to the conclusion that i'll never have a partner, i know it sounds dramatic and stupid but i just think it's the truth, the higher i can hope for is for someone to find me sexually appealing but nothing more than that, cause that's the only good thing i have, the only thing a very desperate person could find desirable on me.

Some weeks ago i thought of commiting S, it was about an hour of me standing near the edge, thinking, i don't know why i didn't went thru it, maybe i was scared, maybe i thought on my mom, on my little sister, on my dog, i don't know, but i didn't, it's wasn't the first time but it felt like it was going to be the last one, it felt like an eternity.

I know i don't gain shit by posting this here, it'll probable go unnoticed like the other ton of stuff i've posted here and im fine with that, tbh i dont even know why im even posting this on here, maybe its cause i don't want my actual friends to see this since they don't have an account here but i still wanted to express this last call for help, knowing that no one here would have their lives affected by this post.

As i said, i don't expect anything from this post, no views, no pitty, i just wanted to vent.