in a dark place with my mind gone…

my whole world has been split in two since my best friend passed. my grandma been getting sicker, money is tight as a bitch and my whole sense of direction has been knocked off course. i cant seem to make sense of anything, im tired of relying on other people to make me happy, but when i do try to focus on myself, someone shows me the slightest bit of attention and im back to square one. i have no one to talk to that truly understands me and my pov because the one person that did… just passed away. i feel so empty and lonely, even in a room surrounded by people. the love just doesn’t feel genuine. everyone is fake as fuck and its so hard to just cope with the fact that im alone. my first idol passed away 4 years ago and im just now coming to realize that he meant so much more to me at 13 then i will ever truly understand. ive cried too much over so much shit and im too mentally exhausted for everything thats been goin on. i know im destined for great things but im tired of fighting for them. i cant keep going back and forth with my emotions. i need an anchor, someone to bring me back from this hole. i need love that ive never got to experience. im so done with being a regular person, im so tired of being treated like a kid, but i dont wanna grow up. im so sad and mad and lonely. i feel like it never gets better, it only goes up and down. love interests are just fleeting and never turn out good, just lessons. its always a lesson. everything is always a lesson. i cant help the people i care about without hurting them, my family says theyre proud, but i just am suffering so much in silence. i try to talk it out but i never feel any better. i dont wanna hear the same shit i hear from everybody “it will get better” “you can do this” youre so strong” “im here for you”. im strong but idk if im strong enough. idk if i have enough will power to keep going. i think i might burn out. i know money doesnt buy happiness but it would make life a whole lot easier to cope. i just dont like the mental to physical age ratio that im stuck in. it feels like im way older than i should be but im not able to make decisions like an adult. i just wanna live the normal highschool experience, i just wanna be in a normal relationship, i need normal friends, normal shit, a normal life. but im special and i cant change that. regardless of the circumstances. i like being different from everyone else but at the same time, no one understands. very few people that i can talk to and even then im not sure who they are. im tired bro. im tired. trials and tribulations and only the strongest will prevail, but am i one of the strongest? am i delusional? am i truly destined to be great? go down in history as a legend? i hope i get to carry my best friends legacy, cuz he was supposed to be up with me, world tours… sold out shows.. living the life… #1 songs and albums… but i just gotta do it dolo, but i promised i will and i dont break promises. my bro believed in me, so i wont let him down. ill die before i break that promise. but regardless ima die a legend… just in a bad headspace thats all.. thank you for listening to my ted talk. ill see yall soon.. 

- moose.