I am bored

Hello, I've been awake all night, it's currently 7:44 AM! Which is crazy because it's been a while since I've stayed up all night. Someone asked a question on Twitter and I noticed myself getting wordy.. so I was like "IK where I can go that doesn't have a shitty text limit!" So, here I am, sleep deprived!!!!! Yay!!!

I'm mostly going to be ranting or telling about random shit. This may be a hard read, because weirdly enough I'm struggling to type?

ANyways, so recently I have been getting mega high, drunk, and living my best life. I hung out with my close friend Kylee and her boyfriend, Malik. They're so fun, I'm still awkward around Malik but that's with any male my friends are dating. I have a very specific fear of seeming like I like their partner, or I'm flirting by accident or being too nice... which thinking about it I may be doing the opposite and making the person feel bad (oops, I'm sorry LOL) I overthink a lot, my dad jokes with me about it, and tells me I need to stop. But, overthinking is my normal thinking- so if I'm not overthinking it's like I'm underthinking!! Or like if I don't worry about something, the universe will be like, "Oh? You think you're safe? Nah, get rekt." And then just makes everything bad. My bad bro, I'll just think of all the endless possibilities on how things can go wrong at all times to appease you and keep myself safe!!! yAy!!!

I also hung out with B.. I think he is a major alcoholic and a junkie.. which worries me but is also really hot. He's so freaking hot holy shit you guys have no idea. We've actually been like making out.. and like... being sexual but not really? Not to give TMI but he gets hard sometimes, and like moves his hips. Super hot. Last time though, we did that, and then he stopped and stopped cuddling me or letting me love and kiss on him. That's okay I guess, it just made me sad because I left shortly after. I didn't hug him when I left. I haven't texted him except once, which was at 9 tonight. I'm worried he doesn't like me, but at the same time I'm worried I'm coming off as not liking him? But I don't want to be too clingy. 

He's never called me pretty, but he cuddles me and tells me he likes me. I often think about the fact that I'm probably ugly? and maybe he just likes me because he doesn't want to be lonely. Or likes me but not how I look. Though, there was a skinny girl on a YT ad and he was like, "Her waist is too tiny, it's not good to be like that, you need fat to survive." which made me feel pretty cool about my body. That means that he at least likes a little bit of chub. Which, even w ED brain and body dysmorphia, I don't really want to be skinny skinny, like I used to want to be. When I weighed a lot loss, I wanted to be a lot less. Now, I just want less shit around my body, and just have my shape. I just go about it not the healthiest way. I always eat at least something.. just not the most nutritious or healthy thing. Like, one meal of lunch at school. Which, I guess that is KIND OF good for me, because ever since Obamna there's been healthier food in the lunch rooms. I don't really know anything about that ordeal or the hate on Obama. I'm not a topic obsessed creep ass 40 year old, okay?

Anyways, if you have an ED, at least eat a meal, bc you'll never be able to maintain your goal weight, you'll just keep gaining whenever you eat something bc it absolutely destroys your metabolism. Take it from me, who starved bad at an already low weight, and then easily gained like 50+ lb from eating normally.

I want to be able to exist almost normally when I get to my gw.

I've grown to realize that I'm a lot like my mom, I'm constantly yearning and needing a man/partner to exist. I don't understand why, it's like I'm empty and there's nothing left inside of me without someone being there for me. Kind of cringe.

I crave alcohol, a lot right now actually. I loovoveeee Smirnoff, those screwdrivers or whatever. Probably really white girl of me, but they're so fucking good. Once I had think pink drink, (people say it's pink whitney but I don't fucking know what that is, so it's just the pink drink) and it was when I was hanging out with my friend's parents (she went to sleep early and gave me her ~blessing~ before she slumbered that she didn't mind if I drank with her parents.) We were hanging out on the porch and I was DRINKING that shit bc it tasted fucking good! I mean, don't get me wrong, the burning of like alcohol that tastes like alcohol is SO GOOD and would be really hot if I kissed someone and I could taste it in their mouth--- BUT, I do enjoy a drink that doesn't taste like alcohol. There's the good tasting alcohol taste, and the bad. Sometimes it just doesn't mix with the flavor of the drink! ANYWAYS!!!!!!!! They were blasting music, talking about shit I don't even remember, and I was sitting on a swingy chair (like those benches that are attached by chains on a southern old person's porch. ((they're fucking everywhere in Alabama)) and I was just chugging the shit, it tasted so good. It was getting late, and I was sitting there and I was thinking, yk, I was just getting tired. If I'm being honest I may have even forgot the drink was alcoholic at this point. 

They started going inside, and I stood up and I FELT IT. My shoes weren't tied bc I had just slipped them on to like, go out. It was a hassle walking with them while sober, but while drunk?Holy shiat, they kept falling off and I was trying to get down some stairs and I was having the hardest time (no support arm beam thing) and  I had to get help. We sat in the kitchen for a bit, and I think I ate something? I think they had cake if I'm being fr but I genuinely can't remember. It was mostly just them talking. Eventually they left to the other room and started fucking. I was like, "um, ok" and grabbed a bag of chips and sat in a dark room in the back while eating blue doritos.

ALSO I have to say, I don't really care to call Doritos their names, it's blue doritos, red doritos, and purple doritos. The flavors are not real, bro. It's an upgrade though, because as a kid I always called them "blue chips!" so, better than nothing Iguess? I remember saying that as a kid a lot of people thought that the actual chip was blue... dumbass fuckin kids LMFAO.

That also reminds me, at the same school and a few years later, I once was sitting by this guy named Tyler. He was a light skinned dude with like blonde hair and green? eyes. He was sitting beside me in my History class, and I showed him my at the time favorite and only band I listened to: Avenged Sevenfold. I distinctly remember him calling it "goth music." 

I hope and pray he has realized his mistake. 

Anywyayy, I can't stop thinking about B, he's probably awake by now. It's currently 8:15 AM, which is crazy. Time flies by so fast when I'm awake.. it's like I'm in a  high state like my brain is just fuckin, smokin. Like my last brain cell is literally on fire as I try to be coherent when I write this. I think I'm doing a good job though. I enjoy typing, writing, and reading when I'm in the mood for it. Only thing is a lot of times I'm not worried about it.

Also, one weekend apparently my parents are going to be leaving for the weekend, and are leaving me their car and I'll be alone with my little sister that weekend. I don't know which weekend tbh, I said it like it was going to be this weekend but it isn't. It's supposed to be after Christmas. I wonder if they're going to split before then. They like to go off and on about hating each other. I never understood being with someone you hate, but then again I'm not in their head. I know what it's like to know that you should be away from someone, you'd be so much happier, but they're all you have in the moment, what if things get better after you leave? It' s like gambling, I guess.

I often worry that this relationship with B (whenever he decides to ask me out) will end up a lot like my other one. I genuinely feel like I'm oversharing but I don't think that even 3 people are going to read this, especially it being so random and shit filled. But, he said he has anger issues, and hits things. Mind you, I have PTSD bc I grew up with that shit all around me, which I may even be going into that later in this. Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do when I inevitably have ot be around with that. At the same time though, I feel he has a soft spot for me. He's very sweet and nice to me, but that could be anyone. If I'm being honest, there's a lot of him I don't know about. I'm excited but scared to learn more. I like/possibly love him so far. 

I've been trying to take it slow with him, that's why we aren't dating yet. I don't want to immediately jump in and then things go to shit. I want to cherish this differently than my other relationships. Part of me feels like I'm going to have to leave him, somethings not going to work, he's going to leave me, I'm gonna do something extremely stupid and he's not going to like me anymore OOORRRRRR we're going to be together forever and we're going ot have babies an get married. He'd be such a sweet dad. I don't know, I've been trying not to think about it like that, because once I start thinking like that so deeply and so emotionally, I become attached to that idea. 

I daydream about him a lot, which I think I have maladaptive daydreaming. A lot of my time is spent daydreaming and imagining things. I'm about to look up the symptoms: Yeah i definitely have that. I am constantly daydreaming, I daydream about my feelings in the moment to cope/feel them more. I daydream in the morning, during the day, during school, when I get home, before I sleep. I'm like addicted to it, I love staring into space an imagining scenarios and seeing it all in my head. I don't know why.

I daydream about people treating me better than they do, or I daydream about people treating me worse than they do. A lot of times when I'm in a manic episode, I think I daydream less but a lot of times I don't really remember little things like that during manic episodes. I daydream about beating the shit out of people when I'm manic though.

Mania is so weird to me, it's honestly like being happy and normal but worse. Like, I'm happy but I'm not engaged and I'm unsafe. I often want substances, I act different, I partake in dangerous and risky shit (driving 80, doing things without asking, driving under the influence, 

You: REALLY!!??? WOOOOOOWWWW!! HAD NO IDEA PEOPLE WITH MANIA DID THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ikr it's not like that's literally some of the symptoms or anything PFFFTTTT

My feetsies are so cold, I'm sitting in a reclined chair with a blanket, but I'm worried about falling asleep. He also hasn't texted me still..uh oh. I also unsent the last message I sent him, who knows how that will play out. I tend to do really annoying things, like if someone else did that? I'd be pissed, like wtf are you 12? But then I do the same shit.

I'm supposed to be doing my step mom's college essay thing. I need a bit of a break though, even though I've been had a break for a while now. Oh well.

I think I'm going to make another entry about just B because I have a lot to say. may repeat shit, who knows. 

Thx sm for reading! xoxo